This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

• Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.
• Dont let worry kill you–let the church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. Shes used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
• The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
• The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeares Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildol in his hands.

Sue yelled “you impatient fucker! You lying son of a…”

Bob stopped her and said, “I’m a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?”

7. Thou shalt use the English language properly.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, I hear sirens. Jump!

The second one said, But were on the 13th floor!

The first one screamed back, This is no time to be superstitious.

Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!

The captain then called for his first mate and said, First mate, bring me my red shirt! The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.

The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, Captain, two pirate ships closing fast! Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, First mate, bring me my red shirt! The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.

During the celebration the first-mate asked, Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?

The answer is simple. That way, if Im injured, the crew wont know and they wont lose hope.

Just then the lookout burst through the door, Captain, ten ships closing fast!

First mate, bring me my brown pants!

6 razones principales por las cuales Bill Gates quiere ser presidente de los Estados Unidos:

Escuchó decir que alguna agencia gubernamental usaba UNIX.

Piensa que sería agradable ser el presidente de dos grandes negocios.

Su ego necesita inflarse un poco.

Perdió las llaves de su mansión, así que necesita un nuevo lugar para vivir.

Cree que puede usar Microsoft Money para balancear el presupuesto.

Quiere hacer de Windows 95 el sistema operativo oficial en los Estados Unidos.

Lets say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when theyre driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, weve been seeing each other for exactly six months?



And then there is silence in the car.



To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe hes been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks Im trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesnt want, or isnt sure of.



And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.



And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, Im not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so Id have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?



And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was… lets see… February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealers, which means… lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.



And Elaine is thinking: Hes upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe Im reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet thats it. Thats why hes so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. Hes afraid of being rejected.



And Roger is thinking: And Im gonna have them look at the transmission again. I dont care what those morons say, its still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? Its 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.



And Elaine is thinking: Hes angry. And I dont blame him. Id be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I cant help the way I feel. Im just not sure.



And Roger is thinking: Theyll probably say its only a 90-day warranty……..scumbags.



And Elaine is thinking: Maybe Im just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when Im sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.



And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? Ill give them a warranty. Ill take their warranty and stick it right up their…



Roger, Elaine says aloud.



What? says Roger, startled.



Please dont torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have… Oh God, I feel so… (She breaks down, sobbing.)



What? says Roger.



Im such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know theres no knight. I really know that. Its silly. Theres no knight, and theres no horse.



Theres no horse? says Roger.



You think Im a fool, dont you? Elaine says.



No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.



Its just that… its that I… I need some time, Elaine says.



(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) Yes, he says.



(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way? she says.



What way? says Roger.



That way about time, says Elaine.



Oh, says Roger. Yes.



(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)



Thank you, Roger, she says.



Thank you, says Roger.



Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures its better if he doesnt think about it.



The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.



Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaines, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?



And thats the difference between men and women.

Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

Seen it all, done it all, cant remember most of it.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood