Old and New Jokes

10. Truly an eager beaver

9. Uses too much teeth.

8. Stays late, comes early

7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.

6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load

5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.

4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.

3. In Box is always clean and shiny

2. Tends to blab on the telephone

1. This intern might suck, but she doesnt inhale.

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) – You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22) – You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Q: Did you hear about Pepsis new soda just for blondes?
A: It has open other end printed on the bottom.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. Youre not going to have time to finish this, the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

Yes I will, replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

No you dont, Im not going to accept that. Its late.

The student looked incredulous and angry. Do you know who I am?

No, as a matter of fact I dont, replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? the student asked again.

No, and I dont care. replied the professor with an air of superiority.

Good, replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

It worked. The professor really didnt know who he was!

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andys wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the miracle products, she asks her husband – Darling, honestly, if you didnt know me, what age would you say I am?

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,…

Judging from your skin, twenty;

your hair, eighteen;

and your figure, twenty five.

Oh, you flatterer! she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying…

WHOA, hold on there sweety! Andy interrupted.

I havent added them up yet!

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bill says, OK, Im pretty good at that sensitive stuff, Ill do it. 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, Where did you get that, Bill? Steves wife gave it to me.

Thats unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?

Bill says,Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Steves widow.

She said, No, Im not a widow.

And I said, Wanna bet me a six-pack?

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but cant afford to buy a ticket to go home.

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.

Ill hide you away on my ship on one condition.

You have to have sex with me when I ask.

She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her hell bring her food and water and shell just have to stay hidden because shell be in big trouble if shes caught.

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.

Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells STOWAWAY!

Scared she explains: Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!

No kidding? Lady… this is the Staten Island Ferry!

Un tipo se sube al tren nocturno que va a la ciudad de Chillán, en Chile. Antes de iniciar el viaje se dirige al conductor y le solicita que lo despierte en dicha estación, advirtiéndole, eso sí, que después de dormir se ponía bastante porfiado y seguramente se iba a oponer a que lo bajaran, pero que contaban con su autorización para ponerse enérgicos y obligarlo a descender.

Cuando ya se hubo retirado el conductor, el viajero se percató que a su lado se había sentado una señora con dos niños, lo que le impediría dormir, así que se cambió de asiento. Pasaron las horas y ya de mañana constata que se encontraba en Puerto Montt, una ciudad distante casi 200 kilómetros de Chillán. Indignado, se dirige al conductor y le espeta:

¡Imbécil, no te dije que me despertaras en Chillán! ¡¿No recuerdas que te dije que era porfiado y que tenías que despertarme en esa ciudad?!

¡Qué vas a ser porfiado tú! ¡El que bajamos en Chillán… Ese sí que era porfiado!, responde conductor.

En la Ciudad de México un tipo es llevado a la Delegación por haber derribado un árbol mientras manejaba bien borracho.

Quince días de cárcel y 10,000 pesos de multa, dice el juez.

Pero señor juez, dice el borracho, ni que hubiera yo tumbado el árbol de la noche triste donde lloró Colón, cuando lo vencieron los Aztecas.

Y le responde el juez:

¡Ah, cómo será usted pendejo! ¡Colón no lloró ni cuando le quemaron los pies!

Last name: _________________

First name:

(Check appropriate box)

[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue



Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)



Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure



Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right



Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician



Spouses Name_________________________

2nd Spouses Name: _________________

3rd Spouses Name: _________________



Lovers Name: ________________________

2nd Lovers Name: ___________________



Relationship to spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet



Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: _____

Number that are yours: _____



Mothers Name: ___________________

Fathers Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)



Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)



Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles that you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks



Where your firearms are kept:

[_] truck [_] kitchen

[_] bedroom [_] bathroom

[_] shed



Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_



Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:

_____________________



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun



___ Number of times youve seen a UFO

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO



How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not applicable



Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

How many?_____



Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man



How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 200-400 miles

[_] over 400 miles

[_] whats a miles?