One day a brunette mother walks in her daughters room, she sees a cigarette pack on the floor and says, I didnt know my daughter smoked.
The same day a redheaded mother is looking in her sons room and sees a beer bottle on the floor and says, I didnt know my son drank.
The same day, a blonde mother is in her daughters room and sees a condom on the floor and says, I didnt know my daughter had a penis!
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. Things arent going too well, guys, he announced grimly. So to perk up sales Im announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.
What does the loser get? asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, The loser gets to give it.
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.
The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, Lady, Ill give you $10 for a blow job.
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.
The lady gasped and said, Thank you, suh, for defendin mah honor!
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!
Jam 29 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your mastercard to pay your visacard.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, Have a nice day, tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget weighless and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of Things to do that you have already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Fill your tax returns in roman numerals.
Tatoo Out to lunch on your forehead.
Leaf through a National Geographical and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in it and return it the next day.
Pay your electricity bill in one cent pieces.
Drive to work in reverse.
Polish your car with ear wax.
Read a dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Send your doctor a bill for the times you spend in his waiting room.
Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hair in each nostril.
Lie on your back eating celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100 percent at work… 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, 20 percent on Thursday and 5 percent on Fridays.
And help me to remember that… When Im having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to swivel.
Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. If
four of your friends are OK, then youre the one.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
In school, the professor asks:
-Who can tell me now who was the mother
of Moses? You, Daniel,should know,tell me!
Daniel, a young jewish child, stand up and
answers without hesitate :
– Moses mother was the faraohs daughter!
– No,no,no,no, Daniel…, the faraohs
daughter found him down the Nile,in a basket…
– Yeah,thats what she says
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a mans head.She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.Hello? she cried, but no answer.Is there anyone here? she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE? Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away… Were down here!