A little boy and his grandpa were sitting in a boat fishing. After a few minuets the grandpa pulled out a beer. The little boy whispered..
Hey grandpa, no ones around can I have some?
The Grandpa thought a moment then said, Well, does dick reach your asshole?
Umm..no.
The Grandpa smiled, then you cant have one.
Later on the Grandpa lit up a ciggarette. The little boy asked again, Hey Grandpa, no one will ever find out, can I try it?
The grandpa replied, Does your reach dick your asshole?
The boy frowned, No.
Then you cant try it.
The Grandpa was feeling quite proud with himself when the boy pulled out a package of fresh baked cookies. He felt like he had earned it so he said to the boy, Hey sonny pass one of those over here.
The boy sat for a moment looking at the bag, then smiled and said, That depends, does your dick reach your asshole?
The Grandpa laughed and said, Why yes it does.
To this the boy replied, Then you can go fuck yourself, cause Grandma made these cookies for me!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Torch!
Torch who?
Torch youd never ask!
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
Putts-Brooks Law: Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.
Dont blame me; nobody asked my opinion.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.
A: So whats your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out youre pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
As seen on the sheet accompanying a new MasterCard(TM) :
VALUE YOUR CARD!
Your card should be protected in the
same manner as you would handle cash.
Make sure it is returned to you after
each transaction.
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contracts sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the companys chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, This man, he announced, called in sick yesterday!
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
Wow, he said. Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadnt been sick!
There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.
One guy said, just name it a pub. Another said, just name it the bar. The thrid guy said, name it Suzys Legs.
The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzys Legs.
The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?
He replied…nothing officer…just waiting for Suzys Legs to open so I can get a drink!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite…