Old and New Jokes

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: We looked at the light fixture and decided theres no point trying to maintain it. Were going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench.

The fisherman couldnt eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town.

The Mayor wasn’t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.

So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench.

No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn’t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition.

So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish.

The next day the headlines read:
ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!

There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.



The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wits end because he wasnt able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.



The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.



The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all theyre help.



As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?



The nurse smiled and replied, Lip stick remover.

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says Well maam, I cant cut your hair with those head-phones on. Youre going to have to take them off.



She shakes her head vigorously and replies No, if I take them off, I will die. He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.



All he heard was Breathe in, breathe out, breath in.

So there was this horse and a chicken that lived on a farm. The horse and the chicken were in fact two very good friends. One day the horse fell into a mud hole that he could not get out of. The chicken saw this and said, What should I do?,What should I do?. and the horse replies,Go get the farmers BMW and a rope so that you can pull me out.



So, the chicken runs and gets the BMW and a rope. He drives it back, ties the rope to the horse and the other end to the car. The chicken puts the car in gear and pulls the horse out. Wow, the horse said. Thanks alot out there.



So one day the chicken falls into the hole. Help, Help he is saying.Go get the farmers BMW and a rope to pull me out! The horse said, No need….I just straddle the hole and you hold onto my dick and pull me out OK said the chicken. So the chicken grabs a hold of his dick and is pulled out.



What is the MORAL of the story?



You dont need a BMW to pick up chicks, if you are hung like a horse.

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away, and the police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

To the cops amazement, the results showed a reading of 0.0!

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, Tonight, Im the designated decoy.

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled — leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
Fifteen dollars.

Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.

* Freezer Foods:
ICE CREAM
If you cant tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, its time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

* In the Fridge:
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when youre tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

* On the Shelf:
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of… Very carefully.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable spots that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal sh

In the U.S., a guy in his car is stuck in a traffic jam. Suddenly, someone comes
to his car and knocks on the window.

The driver: Whats happening?

Well, some terrorists took G.W. Bush as a hostage, and ask for a 1 million
dollar ransom or they will put some gasoline on him and set him on fire.

Oh God!

So, we go from car to car to collect what people can give.

And how much do people give in the average?

About 5 gallons…