Old and New Jokes

People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top
of the Christmas tree.

It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to
get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the worlds children. He told
Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch
to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all
the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.

At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with
Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized
she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out
to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night,
had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree.
Santa tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke up
and said, Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?

And that is why there is an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

Did you ever wonder why they put braille at a drive-up ATM?

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isnt so bad…IN PRISON…….You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK……..You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.IN PRISON…….You get three meals a day.
AT WORK……..You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.IN PRISON…….You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK……..You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.IN PRISON…….A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK……..You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.IN PRISON……..You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK………You get fired for watching TV and playing games.IN PRISON…….You get your own toilet.
AT WORK……..You have to share.IN PRISON…….They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK……..You cannot even speak to your family and friends.IN PRISON…….All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK……..You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.IN PRISON…….You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK……..You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.IN PRISON……There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…….They are called supervisors.IN PRISON…….You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK……..You get fired if you get caught.NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Two old Italian men, Carlo and Giovanni, were sitting on a porch reminiscing about World War II.

It was a real struggle, said Carlo

I know what you mean, replied Giovanni.

I remember I was struggling all the way. I fought and I fought, and I fought, and when I thought I was tired out, I found the strength to carry on fighting another day, Carlo reminisced.

Yup, Giovanni concurred.

But it didnt work, because in the end they made me join the Army anyway, concluded Carlo.

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, Snort sniff honk honk snort! coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didnt know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. Snort sniff honk honk snort!

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. Shhh! Santa hissed. Please be quiet!

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT! Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own.

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer …

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.Watson replies, I see millions of stars. What does that tell you? Watson ponders for a minute. Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, its evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it

and saying, Quite right, old bean!

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the

overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp

points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond thats my name, dont

wear it out!

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the master of the pan flute.

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would

go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle

of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an

episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says

no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your

intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream THATS MEEEEE!

Oh, no, sorry.

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you

actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez OReilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that youve done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY.

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang

cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professors crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as your excellency.

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if hes been

drinking.

24. Shout WOW! after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with an enormous fruit-basket.

28. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, Vet ozzle haffen dee

henvay? Become agitated when the professor cant understand you.

29. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard

erasers.

30. Watch the professor through binoculars.

The list continues below

31. Start a wave in a large lecture hall.

32. When the professor turns on his laser-pointer, scream AAAGH! MY EYES!

33. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your

name, even if its Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

34. Sit in the front row, reading the professors graduate thesis and snickering.

35. As soon as the first bell rings, regardless of the class subject,

volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professors

reply and proceed to do so anyway.

36. Claim that you wrote the class textbook.

37. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and

scream IMPOSTER!

38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write Sign-up Sheet

# at the top, and start passing it around the room.

40. Stand to ask questions. After the professor answers, bow deeply before

taking your seat.

41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, Can you spell that?

42. Disassemble your pen. Accidentally propel pieces across the room while

playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.

Repeat.

43. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

44. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

45. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

46. Wear a black hooded cloak to class, and ring a bell.

47. Every time a professor mentiones a name, ask Did he have any children?

48. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of

ancient Greek trade routes down farther, because you cant see Macedonia.

Q: How many comp.sys.intel readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 0.999999875

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.



Now listen carefully, he told the homeowner, Im going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on



Ok, got it. the homeowner replied. But whats that shotgun for?



If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, the man said, shoot the Chihuahua.

I am Starr. Starr I are.


Im a brilliant barri-star.


Im here to ask, as youll soon see,


Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?


Did you grope her in your house?


Did you grope beneath her blouse?


Did she give you gifts and ties?


Were you spied by prying eyes?

I did not do that here or there!


I did not do that anywhere!


I did not do that in a chair!


I went not near her giant hair!


I did not join …. even for fun,


The Mile High Club in Air Force One,


So stow your feathers and your tar,


I did not do her Starr you are!

Did you smile?


Did you flirt?


Did you peek beneath her skirt?


And did you tell the girl to lie,


When called upon to testify?

That is it; youve gone too far!


I do not like you, Starr you are!


I will not answer any more!


In fact, I think Ill start a war!


The publics easy to distract,


When bombs are falling on Iraq!