Old and New Jokes

Push, Pull or Get Outta the Way.

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vaders lines, and didnt know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbies measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cats urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasnt considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsofts Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They dont appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on Leave It To Beaver.

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wrights son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers –they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

* The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan

(Hairdresser) – I havent seen you for ages.

(They mean) – Youve been going to another hairdresser.

(Hairdresser) – Its got long hasnt it?

(They mean) – Im on fairly safe grounds here.

(Hairdresser) – What kind of shampoo are you using?

(They mean) – There must be some explanation for the state of your hair.

(Hairdresser) – I cant afford a holiday this year.

(They mean) – Please remember I rely on tips.

(Hairdresser) – Are you busy at the moment?

(They mean) – I cant remember what you do.

(Hairdresser) – Do you want anything on it?

(They mean) – After what Ive done, I suggest you wear a hat.

Joke found on http://www.huumor.com

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until theyre dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?.

Then the second Snake says Why do you ask?

The 1st one replies: I just bit my lip!

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, Do you think theres baseball in heaven?

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno. But lets make a deal: if I die first, Ill come back and tell you if theres baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, Sol… Sol…

Sol responds, Abe! Is that you?

Yes it is, Sol, whispers Abes ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, So, is there baseball in heaven?

Well, says Abe, Ive got good news and bad news.

Gimme the good news first, says Sol.

Abe says, Well… there is baseball in heaven.

Sol says, Thats great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?

Abe sighs and whispers, Youre pitching on Friday.

A Christmas tree doesnt care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees dont get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesnt get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you watch football all day.

And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women

A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

How do you confuse a blonde ?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in a corner.

Its forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, You owe me quite a bit on your tab.

Sorry, says Pat, Im flat broke this week.

Thats okay, says the bartender.

Ill just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.

But, says Pat, I dont want any of my friends to see that.

They wont, says the bartender.

Ill just hang your parka over it until its paid.

Un tio quiere llevar a su mujer a la opera para celebrar las bodas de plata. Como la mujer es muy palurda y un poco guarra, empieza a echarse spray de desodorante en los sobacos, y despues por los brazos, y después en la cara y después en el torso, y después en la espalda… El marido, cansado de oir tanto Psssss Pssss le dice: Maria, ¿y el agujero de ozono? ¡Ah! ¡sí! se me olvidaba. Pssssss…

Un nuevo rico había enviado a su hijo pequeño a Viena para que le enseñaran a tocar el violín.

Cuando el hijo regresa, a los dos años, le pide a un amigo melómano que lo escuche y dé su opinión. Así lo hacen y después de que el niño ha tocado el violín, el padre pregunta al amigo:

¿Qué te parece la ejecución?

Hombre, un poco fuerte. Yo creo que dos bofetadas serían suficiente.