Old and New Jokes

Brochstein walks up to Horowitz in the street, taps him on the shoulder and when Horowitz turns, he sends him sprawling to the ground with a solid zetz to the nose. He then says, take that, Rosenzweig, you lousy mamzer!! The bleeding Horowitz shouts back, Im Horowitz, you schook! I am NOT Rosenzweig.

Realizing his error, Brochstein apologizes profusely and begs forgiveness for the error of mistaken identity. However, Horowitz remains furious and he screams forth a steady blue stream of epithets.

Finally, Brochstein says, please Horowitz, calm down. Why are you so upset? Why do you care so much about how I treat Rosenzweig?

A man was travelling from Cape Town to Johannesburg when he stopped for a young hitchhiker somewhere in the middle of the Karoo. It happened that the youngster had a cleft palate and thus spoke somewhat nasally. The motorist naturally felt very sorry for the young man.

After driving for an hour or so with very little conversation between them, the man pulled off for a roadside lunch. He opened his picnic basket and offered the youngster some of his sandwiches.

Thank you, Thir, but becauth of my problem I cannot eat anything that may cauth crumbth to enter my palate, he replied. The man felt he couldnt eat either under the circumstances and opened his thermoflask of coffee.

Would you like some coffee, son? he asked. Thank you, yeth Thir, but becauth of my problem you will have to help me. I cannot drink anything that will end up in my palate, tho have to take it anally by means of thith thpecial funnel.

The obliging motorist, feeling very sorry for the poor chappie, agreed. The youngster pulled down his pants, bent over and inserted the funnel. The man slowly poured some coffee down the funnel. The youngster however jumped up, saying Ouch!!.

Sorry Son, was it too hot?

No Thir, no sugar!

One Halloween two black children, a brother and a sister, were trick-or-treating as Hansel and Gretel. They came to the first house and knocked on the door. The old lady that answered said, Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Hansel and Gretel werent black!

They went home and told their mother. She pulled out their Romeo and Juliet costumes from last year and quickly got them re-dressed. They went back to the old ladys house where she came to the door and again she said, Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Romeo and Juliet werent black!

Again they went home and told their mother. This time, their mother said Ill fix that mean old lady. Give me your clothes.

The boy and his sister took off their costumes and their mother sent them back to the old ladys house without a stitch of clothing to wear. They knocked on the door and the old lady answered. CHILDREN!! she said. Youre both naked! Now what are you supposed to be?

The little girl replied, Were Hersheys chocolate bars. Hes got nuts and I dont.

Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? Whats the very bad news?

Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

Un homosexual y su pareja comienzan a discutir por alguna putería; entonces el pasivo reclama:

¡Ahora sí, Arturo, me devuelves todo lo que te di: el carro, los perfumes, las cartas, camisas, etc.

¡Te voy a regresar pura verga!, le responde indignado el amante.

¡Ay no, reconciliación no!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Plums!
Plums who?
Plums me that well always be friends!

On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said CLEAN

RESTROOMS 8 MILES.

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.