One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast… eggs, bacon, toast…
The husband says: No, Im not hungry, the viagra takes away my appetite.
Later in the day, the wife says: Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets…
The husband again refuses, Im just not hungry after using that viagra.
Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, Are you hungry yet?, Ill fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls.
The husband still refuses, No, that Viagra just kills my appetite.
The wife then firmly says well, Im getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!
Posted in Tasteless |
This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.
The vet says. I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out. The vet – a 70 year old man – inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer – a young healthy man – and says, you look like a strong man, why dont you give it a try.
The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cows ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.
Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that for.
The farmer replies, You dont think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on.
Posted in Tasteless |
Tres viejos están sentados en un banco tomando el sol.
¡Hay que ver lo que es la edad… tengo 70 años, y todos los dÃas a las 7 en punto me levanto con unas ganas horribles de mear. Pero no hay forma, me paso el dÃa entero queriendo mear pero no puedo…
Pues eso no es nada. A mis ochenta años, me levanto a las 8 y lo primero que hago es irme a cagar, pero nada, que no hay manera, oye, y asà me paso el dÃa entero…
Lo mÃo es peor. Con mis noventa años, yo meo todos los dÃas a las 7 y cago a las ocho; luego, a las nueve, me despierto…
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallys in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd – shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd – shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
That mans persistence yonder, observed one of the natives, sure makes it easy to know who to vote for.
Yep, another native agreed. Sure cant see myself casting a vote for a man who hasnt the good sense to come in out of the rain.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Q: Whats red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.
Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.
Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.
Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.
Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.
Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.
Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter g.
Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.
Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and Ill plaster you.
Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.
Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!
Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: Ive got you covered!
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.
Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns dont work.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, Why dont we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe itll work !?
Posted in Computer |
How did Bill Clinton get the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the National
Security Council to agree to bomb the Sudan and Afgahnistan?
He called them all together, stood in front of them and said, If you do
not agree with me, just open your mouth.
Posted in Political |
For many years in the US preceding the 11 oclock news on TV, the announcer would say: Its 11 oclock. Do you know where your children are?
This custom spread quickly to some other countries:
Australia: Its 11 oclock. Do you know where your Fosters is?
Italy: Its 11 oclock. Do you know where your husband is?
France: Its 11 oclock. Do you know where your wife is?
Ontario Canada: Its 11 oclock. Do you know what time it is?
Posted in General / Unsorted |
One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well thats the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I cant open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldnt budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said Pull
Posted in Blonde |