How to liven up Thanksgiving dinner…
Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
Shoot olive pits at Grampas glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)
Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud BUZZing noise.
Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dads not looking.
Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.
Hold your nose while you eat.
Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
Mid-meal turn to mom and say, See mom, I told you they wouldnt notice, you were worried for nothing.
Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your shake back to the table.
Announce that youve got a new fear of choking.
When you arrive, promise that your date wont be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.
Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, THE SAFETY IS ON, while you hold your pocket.
Q: Whats five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
It hurts too bad to sterilize the nipple
A cop pulls over a car thats been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But Im not drunk, officer!"
"Listen, it doesnt matter if youre drunk or not. If you dont get out of this car, Ill arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"
Half the people in Baltimore dream of having their own house. The other half dream about breaking into them.
Amazing city Baltimore. Where else can ya bet on a horse race like the Preakness with your welfare check ?
Most of the natives in Baltimore arent very friendly. In fact, if it werent for muggings, thered be almost no personal contact.
Baltimore still has a Zoo where a lot of the animals are still behind bars. Of course, thats for their own safety & protection.
Theres a snazzy new restaurant in the Inner Harbor that specializes in seafood. The prices are so outrageous though, that when you find a pearl in your oyster, you just about break even.
Chivalry isnt dead yet though. A lady, her arms loaded with a lot of packages, boarded a bus and although no one offered her a seat, one fellow whispered to her, Be alert now, I get off at the stop after next.
In Baltimore, there are people from all walks of life – most run however.
Baltimore is one of the few towns I know of where you can park your car, walk a couple of blocks, and find it for sale.
But seriously, Baltimore is one great town where something happens every minute; unfortunately, most of it goes unsolved though.
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and
realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation
was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would
come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, You know, Sister, I am
about to die, and theres always been one thing Ive wanted here on
earth–to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes
so I can look at you?
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and
then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,
Well, Father, now that I think about it, Ive never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the
nun exclaimed, Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?
The priest patiently answered, That, my child, is a gift from
God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.
Well, responded the nun, forget about me. Stick it in the
camel!
A woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says shedoesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist thatthe sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesnt know; its an experimental drug and she doesnt know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husbands morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says: Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?
Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?
Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts, and dads sittin in the corner going Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…
Q: Why did the blonde take some bread to the Toilet?
A: Because she wanted to feed the Toilet Duck
Q: Why was the blonde staring at the Orange juice?
A: Because it said Concentrate.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know youre into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Dont worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
Youre getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
Youre getting old when youre sitting in a rocker and you cant get it started.
Youre getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
Youre getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didnt do anything the night before.
Its hard to be nostalgic when you cant remember anything.
You know youre getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Hold onto your nuts, this isnt going to be any regular blow job!