Old and New Jokes

WHAT DO DALE EARNHARDT AND PINK FLOYD HAVE IN COMMON

THEIR BIGGEST HIT WAS THE WALL

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…



Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…



Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…



Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…



Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave

useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…



Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we

wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place…



Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, Honey, do you remember this?He looked up at her and said, Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.She said, Thats right. Do you remember what you said to me that night? He nodded and said, Yes dear, I still remember. Well, what was it? she asked. He responded, As I remember, I said, Oh baby, Im going to suck the life out of those big breasts and screw your brains out.She giggled and said, Yes honey, thats exactly what you said. So, now its 50 years later, and Im in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?Again he looked up at her, and he replied, Well, mission accomplished.

I was working in a furniture store when a customer entered and asked to see the bookcases.

I reviewed the different cases for her, describing the available sizes and finishes. As I went along, I mentioned the different names: The Library Case, The Standard Case, The Modern Case, The Video Case and The Lawyer Case.

The customer stopped me and asked, Why do they call it The Lawyer Case?

I replied, If you look carefully, you will notice how many of them are made just a little crooked.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Need a tagline? Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the drivers side.

Why cant the blonde put in a light bulb?

Shey kept breaking them with the hammer.

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One mans pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again.

Lets keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

> Bill Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> Slick Willie Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington, DC
>
> Mr. Hillary Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC

Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be a problem.

No, he replied. I paid that back right after my first case.

Really, said the interviewer.
What case was that?

Uh–well, my dad sued me for it and won.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you are counting objects, you go 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D….



When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.



When your wife says If you dont turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.



You try to s sleep(8 * 3600);



When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page..



When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number…



When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.



When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.



When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.



When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that youre doing the math in octal.



When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See Magician.