Old and New Jokes

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if theyll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, theres only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if theres some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, Look at these. Theyre the most perfect ones God ever created, and Im sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, OK, Diana, you may go in.

Dolly is outraged. She screams, What was that all about? I show you two of Gods own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I dont?!!!

Sorry Dolly says St. Peter, but a royal flush beats a pair any day.

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:

Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids.

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:

Queers & Rears.

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople.

Finally, the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign:

Odds & Ends

A blind man was sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sat down next to him and began chomping on a piece of matzah.Taking pity on the disabled, he broke off a piece and gave it to the blind man.Several minutes later, the blind man tapped the Rabbi on the shoulder and asked, Who wrote this sh*t?

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, I have four sons. One more and Ill have a basketball team.

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, Thats nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and Ill have a football team.

To which the Mormon replied, You fellas aint got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and Ill have a golf course.

Paddy was standing at the bar with a Rottweiler at his feet.

Does your dog bite, Paddy? asked Mick.

No, replied Paddy.

So Mick went to pat the dog and the dog just about tore Micks arm off.

I thought you said your dog didnt bite, screamed Mick.

Thats not my dog, replied Paddy.

Una mujer va con el médico a pedirle que le coloque silicona en el busto.

¿Las máximas?, pregunta el galeno.

Sí.

Pepe, Pepe trae las siliconas atómicas.

Después de que se las colocaron, la señora dice:

Me gustan así de grande, pero doc, creo que hay un problema: estas tetas no tienen pezón

Enojado, el médico le reclama a su asistente:

¡Pepe, me trajiste un poto!

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

How did you know I was speeding? the frustrated driver asked.



The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.



You mean, asked the motorist, that even He is against me?

A little boy and his grandpa were sitting in a boat fishing. After a few minuets the grandpa pulled out a beer. The little boy whispered..

Hey grandpa, no ones around can I have some?



The Grandpa thought a moment then said, Well, does dick reach your asshole?



Umm..no.



The Grandpa smiled, then you cant have one.





Later on the Grandpa lit up a ciggarette. The little boy asked again, Hey Grandpa, no one will ever find out, can I try it?



The grandpa replied, Does your reach dick your asshole?



The boy frowned, No.



Then you cant try it.





The Grandpa was feeling quite proud with himself when the boy pulled out a package of fresh baked cookies. He felt like he had earned it so he said to the boy, Hey sonny pass one of those over here.



The boy sat for a moment looking at the bag, then smiled and said, That depends, does your dick reach your asshole?



The Grandpa laughed and said, Why yes it does.



To this the boy replied, Then you can go fuck yourself, cause Grandma made these cookies for me!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Torch!
Torch who?
Torch youd never ask!