Half the people in Baltimore dream of having their own house. The other half dream about breaking into them.
Amazing city Baltimore. Where else can ya bet on a horse race like the Preakness with your welfare check ?
Most of the natives in Baltimore arent very friendly. In fact, if it werent for muggings, thered be almost no personal contact.
Baltimore still has a Zoo where a lot of the animals are still behind bars. Of course, thats for their own safety & protection.
Theres a snazzy new restaurant in the Inner Harbor that specializes in seafood. The prices are so outrageous though, that when you find a pearl in your oyster, you just about break even.
Chivalry isnt dead yet though. A lady, her arms loaded with a lot of packages, boarded a bus and although no one offered her a seat, one fellow whispered to her, Be alert now, I get off at the stop after next.
In Baltimore, there are people from all walks of life – most run however.
Baltimore is one of the few towns I know of where you can park your car, walk a couple of blocks, and find it for sale.
But seriously, Baltimore is one great town where something happens every minute; unfortunately, most of it goes unsolved though.
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and
realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation
was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would
come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, You know, Sister, I am
about to die, and theres always been one thing Ive wanted here on
earth–to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes
so I can look at you?
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and
then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,
Well, Father, now that I think about it, Ive never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the
nun exclaimed, Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?
The priest patiently answered, That, my child, is a gift from
God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.
Well, responded the nun, forget about me. Stick it in the
camel!
A woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says shedoesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist thatthe sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesnt know; its an experimental drug and she doesnt know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husbands morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says: Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?
Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?
Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts, and dads sittin in the corner going Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…
Q: Why did the blonde take some bread to the Toilet?
A: Because she wanted to feed the Toilet Duck
Q: Why was the blonde staring at the Orange juice?
A: Because it said Concentrate.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know youre into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Dont worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
Youre getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
Youre getting old when youre sitting in a rocker and you cant get it started.
Youre getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
Youre getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didnt do anything the night before.
Its hard to be nostalgic when you cant remember anything.
You know youre getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Hold onto your nuts, this isnt going to be any regular blow job!
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, Its something like your sisters room, but without a stereo.
A priest settled into a chair in a lawyers office.
Is it true, said the Priest, that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?
Im afraid youre misinformed, stated the lawyer, People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one.
Pedro visita a su novia quien vive en una avenida bastante céntrica de la ciudad y se sientan en la puerta agarrados de la mano. Pasa un taxista y le grita:
¡Métele el dedo!
Pasa otro:
¡Chúpale una teta!
Uno más:
¡Cómetela!
Y asÃ, todos los conductores de servicio público pasaban gritándoles insinuaciones. A Pedro le llega la hora de irse y se despide de su novia con un beso en la frente:
Adiós, mi amor.
¡Adiós, sordo hijo de puta!, responde indignada la chica.
Because it saw the salad dressing.