Old and New Jokes

Why is everyone so mad about the President and Monica?

After all he gave her a job and she gave him one back.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a scale and it said, To be continued…

Wayfroy P. Jackson: 66, 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last ten years. Loves music. Will demand a mini-cassette player. Holds world record for the most you knows during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete name. Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 63, 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Melrose High School, Charlotte, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19 TV under each arm. Roosevelt Dude Dansell: 61, 195 lbs. Running Back. From Omaha. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as red brick. Woodrow Lee Washington: 68, 310 lbs. Tackle. At 19 hes the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims
Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because The dude said something bad bout Momma. On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20. Will Night Train Smith: 64, 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the N on Nebraskas helmets stands for Nowledge, but still meets this schools stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing
number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT Exam. John Python Peoples: 610, 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company. Note: School track coaches will use several of the above signees in the track program. However, instead of using a starting gun at track m

NEW YORK – New York Stock Exchange officials released a statement Monday admitting that the exchange, one of the primary means by which the nations economic health is measured, is in reality a made-up and largely random mishmash of numbers and meaningless statistics.

The whole stock exchange idea came about around the turn of the century at the request of publisher William Randolph Hearst, who was looking for something to fill the back half of his New York Journal, NYSEs Ian Silver said. So a man named Henry Tillman came up with the idea of a stock-ticker device, which spewed out reams of bogus numbers for Hearst to reprint.

NYSE has no plans to disband.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!

How do you know a blonde secretary’s having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pencil.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a fish tank full of cash in 100s. He walks up to the bartender and asks how he would be able to get that money. The bartender says well, I have three things for you to do for me. First, theres a guy in a green hat thats been sitting inside my bar and causing trouble, i want you to go out and beat him up and throw him in the back dumpster. Second, theres a dog next to the dumpster that has a sore tooth and has been yelping for help all day, I need you to take care of it. Third, my mom is upstairs in the bedroom. She hasnt had had much attention in a while (if you know what I mean), so Id like for you to help her out on that.

The man agreed.

First, he takes care of the guy in the green hat inside of the bar and takes him outside and tosses him in the dumpster. Meanwhile, inside, the bartender is listening to whats going on outside and hears a whole bunch of yelling and screaming from the dog for a long time. The man comes running back into the bar, completely out of breath and says Allright, now wheres the woman with the sore tooth?!

La madre vio a la hija que se preparaba para salir esa noche con su jefe, quien la había invitado por primera vez. Mientras la chica, que tenía 18 hermosos años muy bien puestos, se maquillaba, la madre empezó a llorar…

¿Qué pasa, mamá?

Es que yo sé lo que va a pasar esta noche, dijo la madre.

¿Qué va a pasar esta noche, mami?

Esta noche, hija, tu jefe te va a llevar a cenar a uno de esos lugares con velas y músicos que tocan el violín entre las mesas. Después, te va a llevar a bailar y a tomar una copa en algún lugar oscuro y mientras están bailando te va a decir lo linda que eres y todo eso…

Bueno, mamá, ¿y qué tiene eso de malo?

Que después te va a invitar a conocer su departamento. Yo sé como va a pasar todo.

¿Y?

Y el departamento va a ser uno de esos pisos modernos que tienen un balcón desde donde se ve el río. Y entonces, mientras miran por el balcón, él va a poner música y va a destapar una botella de champaña. Va a brindar por ti y por el encuentro y te va a invitar a mostrarte la casa. Y ahí es donde podría pasar la tragedia.

¿Cuál tragedia, mamá?

Cuando lleguen al dormitorio, él te va a mostrar la vista desde allí y te va a dar un beso, eso no me asusta. Pero después, hijita, después él te va a mostrar la cama y se va a tirar encima de ti. Y si tú permites que se acueste arriba de ti, yo me voy a morir. Y si yo me muero tú vas a cargar con esa culpa por el resto de tu vida. ¿Entiendes por qué lloro, hija? Lloro por ti, por tu futuro.

Bueno, mamá, quédate tranquila. No creo que pase eso que tú dices.

¡Acuérdate, hija, acuérdate… yo me muero, acuérdate!

A la hora señalada, un auto importado carísimo para enfrente de la puerta de la familia. Toca la bocina; la hija sale, sube y el auto parte. A las cinco de la mañana la nena vuelve a casa. La madre, por supuesto, está despierta sentada en el sillón.

¿Y bien, hija? ¿Qué pasó? Cuéntale todo a tu madre.

¡Mami, es increíble, todo fue como tú me dijiste: el restaurante, el baile, el departamento, todo!

¿Y?

Pero cuando llegamos al dormitorio y él quiso subirse encima de mí, yo me acordé de ti mamá. Me acordé de la culpa que me iba a quedar si tú te morías.

Muy bien, hijita, ¿y te fuiste?

No, me acosté yo encima de él: ¡Que se muera su madre!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

57. Take your roommates pillow and put a water ballon inside of it.