Old and New Jokes

A man walking along a beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, Okay…you released me from the lamp… blah, blah, blah. You get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im afraid to fly as I get a sick feeling within. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Also, think of how much concrete would be needed…how much steel!! No, you must think of another wish.

The man said, Okay, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care about them and that Im insensitive. So, I wish I could understand women, know how they feel inside, what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing, know how to make them truly happy…

The genie looks at the man and asks, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

Entra un pequeño gnomo en un farmacia y dice:

Por favor, ¿podría darme una cajita de preservativos?

Y el farmacéutico le pregunta:

¿Control?

Y responde el gnomo, horrorizado:

¡Nooooo! ¡Sin Troll, sin Troll!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iona!
Iona who?
Iona a great train set!

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful.

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the new clerk: Whats with the guy over there by the wall?

The new clerk responds: Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldnt find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: You idiot! You cant treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!

The new clerk calmly responds: Of course you can! Look at him, hes afraid to cough.

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat. Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree. Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard. Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush. Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy. Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet. Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cats litter box. Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy) Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me. Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time (thou has been neutered) Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company. Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow. Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m. Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

Last autumn, a group of friends went deer hunting and decided to paired off in twos for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

Where is Edward? the other hunters asked.

Eds hunting partner, Brian, replied, Edward had a stroke of some kind. Hes a couple of miles back up the trail.

The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, You left Edward laying out there and carried the deer back?

It was a tough call, nodded the hunter. But I figured that nobody would steal Edward.

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.

NO PROBLEM says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well …, Well …, Well …, I need a brain.

DONE says the Wizard. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?

Up steps George Bush sadly; Im told by the American people that I need a heart.

IVE HEARD ITS TRUE, says the Wizard. CONSIDER IT DONE.

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, not saying a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?

Is Dorothy around?

Dorothy: How can you talk if you havent got a brain?

Scarecrow: I dont know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, dont they?

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.

The Jew goes first – This is for my country and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks whats the matter? The boys says my dog just blew up!

The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, my cat just blew up!

The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. What so funny, asks the Pollock?

The Redneck replies – I just farted and my house blew up!