Old and New Jokes

10 cents a screw.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.

A bunch of nones are teamed together to paint the interior of their new church..while painting, the lead nun sister margaret announces that she wants everyone to be especially careful not to get paint on their new nun robes…so when sister margaret leaves…sister Erin turns to the rest of the nuns and suggests that since they are all girls, they paint nude..so as to not get any paint on their new nun attire.. the nuns agree and so they continue painting in the nude… after an hour they hear the door bell ring..
who is it? sister Erin asks…
A blind man! the man responds..
with a bit of relief, sister Erin lets the man in..
the man stops stunned at the door way…
where do you want these drapes? he asks..
and do you always paint in the nude?

A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. Theyre all fine, Moshe said, Except my uncle. Hes very sick.Your uncle is not sick, the faith healer said. He just thinks hes sick.Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. How is your uncle getting along? he asked.Moshe shrugged, He thinks hes dead.

You might be a redneck if…
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please.

What denomination?, says the clerk.

The woman says Oy vay, my g-d, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!

Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried? Wife: Well, I suppose so.

Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed? Wife: I guess we would.

Husband: Would you make love to him? Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.

Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs? Wife: No…Hes left handed.

Youve ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as your senior year.

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits, he said. Why dont you take your blouse off and well see what he does?

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

Hey, the husband said, lets really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and well see what he does.

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. Now, said the husband with an evil smile, tell HIM you have a headache!