What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?

Wear perfume that smells like beer.

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."So they went home.

Sag, Youre it.
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Doc Goose.
Simon says something incoherent.
Hide and go pee.
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
Musical recliners.

Nov 28, 2005
Moved in to my new Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the
smartest house in the neighborhood. Everythings networked. The
cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my
personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the
appliances and the security system. Everything runs
off a univeral remote with the friendliest interface Ive ever
used. Programming is a snap. Im like, totally wired.
Nov 30
Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
tweaked the oven a few degress for my pizza. Everthing nice & cozy
when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
Dec 3
Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything
else electrical shut down — lights, microwave, coffee maker —
everything. Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.
Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They
refer me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is
in the software. So the software company runs some remote
telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims
it has to be the utilitys fault. I dont care, I just want my
kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote diags.
Turns out the problem was unanticipated failure mode: The
network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door
was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power
surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory
confirmed that there hadnt actually been a power surge, the
kitchen logic sequence was confused and it couldnt do a standard
restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has
ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.
Dec 7
The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help.
We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get
amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with
a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police
computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode,
the universal remote wont let me change the channels on my TV.
That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the
channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be
fixed in the next upgrade — SmartHouse 2.1. But its not ready yet.
Dec 12
This is a nightmare. Theres a virus in the house. My personal
computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I
come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are
covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosed, the washing
machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycle up and
down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Through-
out the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode
from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the
security sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen:
WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS … (Be it ever so
humble, theres no virus like the HomeWrecker…).
Dec 18
They think theve digitally disinfected the house, but the place is
a shambles. Pipes have burst and were not completely sure weve
got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the
Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call
themselves) are confident the worst is over. HomeWrecker is pretty
bad one he tells me, but consider yourself lucky you didnt get
PoterGeist. That one is really evil.
Dec 19
Apparently, our house isnt insured for viruses. Fires and
mudslides, yes, says the claims adjuster. Viruses, no. My
agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all
claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or
computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a
non-certified on-line service. Everybodys very, very, sorry, but
they cant be expected to anticipate every virus that might be
created.
We call our lawyer. He laughs. Hes excited!
Dec 21
I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday
offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the
companys new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says Ill be able to meet
the programmers personally. Sure, I tell him.

What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?

A bald eagle!

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1, to yell for Daddy!

When youre having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, just remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

They always want to know how to cook food stamps.

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

I said, WHAT?? So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Im thinking, What was her first clue?

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I dont think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesnt even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, Im ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No, honey. I dont feel like buying all this stuff now. You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

Doctor: “Did that medicine I gave your uncle straighten him out?”

Man: “Yes, they buried him, last week.”