The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days. Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed. [However] Revelations 21:8 says But the fearful, and unbelieving … shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone. A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
— From Applied Optics vol. 11, A14, 1972
In Columbia Maryland, work is progressing on one of the most beautiful chapels Ive ever seen. Since there was no sign at the site, I stopped and asked the Superintendent what denomination it was being built for.
He said, None at the moment, a group of investors are building it on speculation.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Question: Whats E.T. short for?
Answer: Because he has little legs!
What do you do if an Iraqi with half a head comes running at you?
Stop laughing and reload!
Todas las mañanas, una inocente y agraciada religiosa recogÃa setas cultivadas en el huerto del convento. Cierto dÃa, un tÃo decidió jugarle una buena broma a la monja.
Temprano al dÃa siguiente y conociendo la rutina de la hermana, se apresuró en desvestirse y enterrarse de espalda en el huerto, dejando, eso si, su pene fuera de la tierra y en apariencia semejante a las callampas que allà crecÃan. Lamentablemente, ese dÃa nuestra protagonista se encontraba enferma, por lo que fue reemplazada por la más fornida y corpulenta de las religiosas, quien comenzó la cosecha diciendo:
¡Una callampa, otra callampa, otra callampa!
Al llegar a la diferente dice:
¡Una calla…!
¡Una callam… uf!
¡Una callampa y dos papas!
A Manolo le encantaba la pesca en hielo, por lo que un dÃa decide hacerlo después de mucho tiempo.
En cuanto llegó al lugar, se instaló cómodamente y abrió un hoyo en el hielo; después y procedió a introducir el cordel del hilo de pesca. Tras uno cuantos minutos de espera, decidió cambiarse de lugar. Al haber pasado cerca de media hora en espera de peces, se escucho una voz que decÃa:
Allà no hay peces.
Ignorando esto, Manolo continuó pescando. Un rato después, se escuchó nuevamente aquella voz:
He dicho que allà no hay peces.
Desconcertado, el tontilandés suelta:
¿Acaso será Dios quien me habla?
¡No, imbécil, sólo soy el encargado de esta pista de hielo!, responde la voz.
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.
By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: Dont worry, I am going to save you.
The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)
The elephant shouts Dont worry chicken I will save you.
So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.
Moral of the story: If you have a big dick you dont need a red Porsche to pull a chick.
August 23rd.
Just moved to Seattle. Lovely weather, about 75 degrees, no clouds, beautiful trees and mountains, especially Mt. Rainier. Puget Sound … how cool is that. I wonder how everything stays so green even in the summer?? People here are sure lucky to have such a beautiful outdoors to play in. Only 50 miles to the mountains and 70 to the sea. I love it here.
August 25th.
Drove out to the mountains yesterday. It took 2.5 hours just to get to the top of the pass? I wonder why traffic was so heavy? It was barely moving. When I got to the other side it was even slower because of road construction. Sure was pretty though, another beautiful day, even though I spent the better part of it in the car. Next time Ill make sure to leave earlier so I can miss the traffic. Also remember not to stop in North Bend for gas it took like an hour??
August 26th.
What happened to the nice weather? Gosh its cold! only about 54 degrees, yesterday it was 84. These clouds are very low and grey it sure looks like its going to rain I was going to wash the car and mow the lawn but I better not if its going to rain.
August 27th.
Weather is the same as yesterday. Very grey and depressing but its not raining so Ill wash the car and mow the lawn today. The weatherman says its going to be sunny tomorrow. I think Ill play some golf.
August 28th.
Pouring down rain. Cold. Kind of pissed off because I spent 4.5 hours washing and waxing my black car because the weatherman said it was going to be sunny today. Not to mention I shelled out $150.00 to play this fancy golf course and it poured down rain the whole time. Boy the weatherman kind of missed that one. Ill bet he feels dumb.
September 28th.
Geez, except for those few days at the beginning of September, its rained almost every day. Must be the rainy season in Seattle. Oh well, it keeps the reservoirs full and the trees green. Looking forward to those crisp clear fall days and football season!
October 31st.
Halloween. Cold as hell and raining. Poor kids, thats not much fun trick or treating in that weather. All their little costumes getting ruined. The weatherman said it was going to be clear and crisp for the trick or treaters? This guy seems to be wrong alot in his forecasts. Hes probably not a weatherman at all. His Dad must be some big wig and got him the job. Ill going to watch another station with a real weatherman.
November 1st.
At home with my knee elevated. Doctors orders. Pulled the ligaments really bad chasing down some little bastards that smashed my pumpkins. Boy a wooden deck with Thompsons watersealer on it is slicker than snot when its wet. Still raining. My knee is killing me. I can still hear those kids laughing.
November 28th.
Does it rain every freaking day here?! It sure seems like it. You wanna know cold? Try 40 degrees with rain being blown into you at 15 miles an hour. Burr! People always talk about the beautiful mountains here. Well I havent seen them in at least a month. And why are people so afraid of driving in the rain?! Lets go! The forecast calls for some sun though so Ill get some yard work done this weekend.
November 30th.
Rained all weekend but now its sunny … Allright! … Finally! Sure feels good to feel the sun on your face again. Now I remember why I like this place so much. Its almost December and its 54 degrees and sunny. I think Ill wash the car. Weatherman says this high pressure system should stay with us for awhile and push this system well to the north of us.
December 1st.
F#*)@$& raining again. I just washed the F#*)@$& car! What is the deal with these weathermen. Theyre wrong every F#*)@$& time! They are blaming offshore flow for kicking this system a little south and into our region. Whatever. Pardon my French but F#*)@$& the Rain!
December 25th.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Its F#*)@$& raining again. Merry F#*)@$& Christmas.
February 1st.
Ha Ha! Its day 62 of constant rain. I threw my milkshake at some son-of-a-bitch on the freeway this morning. Cut me off will you? Doubt it. Too bad its raining because it cleaned the milkshake off his car. Oh well he got the message. Cant let people mess with you on the road. You better take your openings when you can or they will walk all over you. Why do people drive so slow in the rain! What are they afraid of? It rains here every day!, how are you supposed to enjoy the beautiful outdoors?
February 3rd.
Man its beautiful outside. Its like 60 degrees and sunny. Sweet weather for February. Im just going to enjoy it. Im not going to jinx it either by washing my car. No sir! Boy its pretty here. The snow covered mountains, crystal blue water, big green trees. Think Ill head up to the mountains.
February 4th.
That was by far the worst traffic I have encountered on the pass yet. Every Idiot and grandmother was on the road yesterday. Hey look its sunny lets all get in the car!
February 8th.
Geez its still sunny. It feels like spring. Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming. It sure is a nice place to live. I guess it doesnt rain that much. Gosh its a beautiful day, I think Ill wash the car.
February 9th.
I KNEW IF I WASHED THE CAR IT WOULD START RAINING! F!@&! I hate it here.
March 1st.
We are having a wicked storm. 50mph winds. Trees down. Powers out. Cable is out. (why does the cable always go out when the wind blows if the cable is in the ground.) What is this, day 21 or 22 of straight rain? How high are those clouds off the ground, 50 feet?!
April 1st.
I guess this is the only state where no one knows the fast lane rule. Weatherman says rain for at least the next two weeks, and he said it with a big goofy smile. Thats not funny, not funny at all.
April 12th.
84 DEGREES! Wow, its beautiful here. It was a nasty winter but spring is finally here! If we have spring and summer like this I guess I can take a little rain in the winter. What a place!
April 30th.
Eleventh straight day of rain. Cold too, about 50 degrees. I thought spring was here. Thats what you get for thinking. I would like meet up with this weather clown someday. I like the rain. he says. Smack!
May 20th.
Big surprise! Still raining! How many ways do these idiot weathermen have for describing rain. Showers, partial showers, slight showers, increasing showers, decreasing showers, heavy showers, light showers, partial showers with areas of heavy downfall, mild showers … yadda, yadda, yadda.
June 21.
The first day of summer! Raining! 54 degrees. My car is starting to smell like mildew, it been wet for the last 6 months. I think Im starting to get webbed feet. The commute was only 15 hours today…Joy! Oh well I have the big fourth of July picnic to look forward to. Some cold beers in the hot sun, cant wait.
July 4th.
Not having too much fun. I forgot my coat and am freezing my rear off. I dont know exactly what we are experiencing here, I think its just plain old showers, but maybe its partial showers with periods of rain. No problem keeping the beer cold though. I have a project for next weekend: cleaning the beans and potato salad out of my car. I had to eat in my car because all the trees were taken and I had to get out of the rain. I hate it here.
July 28th.
Cloudy and cool. But its not raining. Thank God its not hot! Who would want it hot in the summer?? I figured out what people do here for fun. Hey honey get the kids … lets get in the car and go sit in some traffic!
August 14th.
Exchanged gunfire on the road today. He appeared prepared for gunfire but wasnt ready for the ramming. The 750 lb. iron bar attached to the front of my Porsche looks a little weird but it works! A little tap on these wet roads and he was in the ditch.
August 24th.
Got out of jail this morning. What an experience! Had to get a ride home as my license has been taken away. Whats this? sunshine? 80 degrees, guess summer is here? What a beautiful day. Its so pretty with the mountains and the water and the trees …
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldnt put three Ws in a row.