Old and New Jokes

At a resort, a fellow walks up to an older fellow who is sitting
in the sun, sipping iced tea.

Younger guy says – Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How
about it if you join me for a round of golf.

Nah, the older fellow replies, tried it once, didnt like it.

Well then, younger fellow asks how about a swim? It might be
just as refreshing as your iced tea there.

Nah, the older fellow responds, tried it once, didnt like it.
But if youre game for tennis, my son will be here soon and is
usually up for a game or two – you might want to play with him.

Younger fellow replies: Your only child I presume?

Rob Peck

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

The husband says, WHAT??

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She cant decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out — but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

The husband says, No, no, no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Cuatro amigos de la universidad se fueron a parrandear fuera de la ciudad el fin de semana antes de los exámenes finales. Después de tanta fiesta, durmieron todo el domingo y regresaron a la ciudad el lunes por la mañana. No entraron al examen final y en cambio por la tarde buscaron al profesor y le explicaron su ausencia:

Lo que pasó es que nos fuimos de viaje el fin de semana y planeábamos estar de regreso el domingo para estudiar. Pero, desafortunadamente, se nos pinchó una llanta cuando veníamos de regreso. Como no teníamos herramientas y nadie nos quiso ayudar, perdimos el examen.

El profesor lo pensó y acordó hacerles el examen final al día siguiente. Felices, los cuatro amigos estudiaron toda la noche y llegaron al día siguiente a hacer el examen. El profesor los puso en salones separados y les repartió a cada uno el cuestionario.

El primer problema valía 5 puntos y era muy fácil, sobre la historia del mercadeo.

Los cuatro amigos respondieron rápidamente, cada uno en su salón separado, pensando Esto va a estar muy fácil.

Cuando terminaron el problema, voltearon la página para leer el segundo problema, que decía:

Por 95 puntos, ¿cuál llanta fue la que se les pinchó?

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he cant drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off.



The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.



The man replies I did. Today Im taking them to the movies.

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her mother. Mom, she said, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.The mother took a deep breath and began, Dear, when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…I know how to screw, mother, the bride-to-be interrupted. I want you to know how to make your lasagna.

After you lay a brick it doent follow you around whining for
two weeks.

Originally

From: Shaw Mr. G

Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers

Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.

St Peter: Well, youve got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.

Bill has a look around heaven. Lotss of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing Ada :-). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic :-). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.

Gates: Look, I know youre really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.

St Peter: No worries. Youve got it.

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He cant work it out.

Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?

St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version.

Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet