Old and New Jokes

Theres a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the mayyat are dancing the bhangra and singing and general balle balle is on.
The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat.
So one of them asks Santa Singh,
Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?
….. comes the reply,
Haan ji ! Hai hi baat badi khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai !!!!

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, the nun said while patting his hand.

We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely.

Can you pay in cash?

Im afraid I cant, Sister.

Do you have any close relatives, then?

Just my sister in New Mexico, replied, but shes a spinster nun.

Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith, the nun replied. They are married to God.

Okay, the man said with a smile, then bill my brother-in-law.

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street… and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didnt need him anymore.



One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.



The scientist says to God – God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and Ive come to tell you that we really dont need you anymore. I mean, weve been coming up with great theories and ideas, weve cloned sheep, and were on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really dont need you.



God nods understandingly and says. I see. Well, no hard feelings.

But before you go lets have a contest. What do you think?



The scientist says, Sure. What kind of contest?

God: A man-making contest.



The scientist: Sure! No problem.

The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, Okay, Im ready!



God replies, No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.

Q:what is the difference between Bill Gates and a viberator?

A:a viberator is an artificial dick!

Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name Mount and Do.

Pepsis proposed ad campaign suggests:


It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Virtue is its own punishment.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: Mom, why are wedding dresses white?

The mother looks at her son and replies, Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. Dad why are wedding dresses white?

The father looks at his son in surprise and says… Son, all household appliances come in white!

Q: How do you confuse a Polak (polish guy)?

A: Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.

A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. Prostrate trouble, said the first doctor.

Oh no, not at all. Thats a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one, said the other.

They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors, said one, and if youll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?

Well, said the man, all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas.