Q: Whats dumber than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater?
A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.
07
Jul
07
Jul
You Know Youve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When….
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, Call a priest!
9. You hear a duck quacking and its you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the partys at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize youre in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. Youre at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize youre the only one under the coffee table
07
Jul
What did the Jewish chicken say when he eat the fish?
Yum kipper!!!!!!!
07
Jul
Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech…
1. She doesnt need to talk to get me a beer.
2. If shes in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.
3. If she can talk, all shell do is complain.
4. Because she wont say I will instead of I do.
5. No man wants to hear first down during a basketball game.
6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
7. No man needs or wants to hear the word period unless it has to do with hockey.
8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.
9. Affirmative action.
10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.
11. If my dicks in her mouth, she cant talk anyway.
12. Oprah.
13. Feminists.
14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.
15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.
16. I dont want to be made to lie and say I love you after sex.
17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.
18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I dont want to hear anybody calling me back.
19. No, I will NOT buy you tampons while Im at the store
20. This is my dick. Im gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.
21. Dont waste your breath, I wont respect you in the morning.
22. Women sportscasters.
23. Women congressman.
24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad — see #66)
25. Marge Schott.
26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).
28. Where does speaking come into barefoot and pregnant?
29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.
30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.
31. I could give a shit if youre pregnant.
32. I dont care if youre in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.
33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.
34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.
35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don’t need to talk)
36. Were tired of their We cant pee standing up shit.
37. That damn apple.
38. If she cant speak, she cant cry rape.
39. Of course, if she cant speak, she cant say no.
40. Rosanne. Nuff said.
41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.
42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?
43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.
44. If she cant talk, she cant bitch when I forget important dates.
45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.
46. When she talks shes not drinking, its hard to get her drunk when she talking.
47. Nothing should come out a womans mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!
48. The Mute button only works on the TV.
49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.
50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.
51. Equality is for math.
52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.
53. If it hurts, I dont wanna hear it.
54. Marcia Clark.
55. Chick-flicks.
56. You dont see Victorias Secret models talking, do you?
57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.
58. Michael Jackson.
59. Silence and sex make a great combination.
60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.
61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.
62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.
63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.
64. High phone bills really suck.
65. Women should be seen and not heard.
66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?
67. If I want romance, Ill turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).
68. Because theyre not men.
69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.
70. If I wanted your opinion, Id ask for it.
71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, Id give it to you.
72. Whereve you been? Who the fuck are you, my mother?
73. Women on radio? You cant see them, do you really want to hear
them?
74. Unless the words are Doctor, can you make these bigger?, shut the fuck up.
75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.
07
Jul
In the front yard of a funeral home, Drive carefully, well wait.
On an electricians truck, Let us remove your shorts.
Outside a radiator repair shop, Best place in town to take a leak.
In a non-smoking area, If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door, Push, Push, Push.
On a front door, Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
At an optometrists office, If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.
On a taxidermists window, We really know our stuff.
On a butchers window, Let me meat your needs.
On a butchers window, You can beat our prices, but you cant beat our meat.
On a fence, Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
At a car dealership, The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop, No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.
In a dry cleaners emporium, Drop your pants here.
On a desk in a reception room, We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
In a veterinarians waiting room, Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company, We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.
In a Beauty Shop, Dye now!
In a Beauty Shop, We curl up and Dye for you.
On the side of a garbage truck, Weve got what it takes to take what youve got. (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, Dont stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Inside a bowling alley, Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
In a cafeteria, Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
07
Jul
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees The President Must Die written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staffs HQ, and yells Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers Well, dont just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?
Clinton says Give me the bad news first.
The officer says Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.
The results just came back, and it was Al Gores urine.
Clinton says I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president!
…Well, whats the REALLY bad news?
The officer replies Well, its Hillarys handwriting.
06
Jul
El marido se despide de la esposa para ir a trabajar. La esposa, que estaba en el baño, le grita:
¡Amor, necesito dinero!
Con fastidio, el marido le contesta:
Anda a coger.
La esposa, un poco extrañada, le contesta:
¿Y cuánto cobro?
¡De la gaveta, imbécil!, le grita furioso el marido.
06
Jul
A guy was fishing in lake near Philadelphia .Sudently he catches a small fish . He felt sorry for it an threw it into the lake .Later , when he went back home and told his wife what he did she said :It doesnt matter honey , I will buy one some from the surpermarket
So she did and then he washed the dishes !
06
Jul
My sister used to work for the government, but now she has seniority.
06
Jul
Toasters are an often overlooked part of life. But their importance is great! A good toaster which evenly toasts the bread to the perfect light browness of delectablity is worth its weight in gold and if it can do bagels, look out! The question is what if the BIGGIES IN TECHNO made toasters? If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters…
Theyd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home youd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant extension was years away, and that indeed the whole toaster was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters…
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the 80s, didnt they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters…
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If The Rand Corporation made toasters…
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their ser