Old and New Jokes

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini –

I want to feel your breasts he exclaimed.

Get away from me, you crazy old man she replied.

I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars, he says.

Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS he stated.

NO! Get away from me!

TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, I said NO!

FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts, he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough…and $500 IS a lot of money….

Well, OK…but only for a minute.

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel… then he started saying, OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD… while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, Why do you keep saying, Oh my god, oh my god?

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…

OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?

Yeah, I do! a biker says, standing up. What about it?

Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…

What are you talkin about?! the biker says, disbelievingly. How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?

Well, it seems he got stuck in your dogs throat!

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are not normal.

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

Mrs. Fitzgerald, the reverend said sternly.

This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why dont you let me take you home?

Shure, she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, Here, here, buddy, we wont have any of that carrying on in this bar.

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, But you dont understand, Im Pastor Fuzz.

The bartender nodded.

Well if youre that far you may as well finish.

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The womans face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldnt graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin…



However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!



After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!



She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!



He replied, Oh dont worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

I asked Dan Judd, a graduate student who works for me, to look into creating
an electronic suggestion box for the dean of the college. This is what he
came back with.

Options for creating an anonymous suggestion box for the Dean.

1) Slip note under Deans door.
Pro – Simple.
Would cost less to implement than generating this report.
Con – Only small notes fit.
Not too anonymous in the middle of the day.

2) Put note in box outside Deans office.
Pro – Simple.
Anonymity reasonable during the day.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Con – Requires ability to find the Deans office.
Suggestions weighing more a few pounds unworkable.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Will probably get more gum wrappers that suggestions.

3) Mail to an address that strips off headers and forwards to Dean.
Pro – Easy to do from anywhere in the building.
Big messages not a problem.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Con – Wont be able to strip .signature files from the end of messages.
Requires users have access to e-mail.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Requires Dean read e-mail

4) A suggest command that sends message to appropriate place.
Pro – No problem with signatures.
Fairly simple.
Con – Requires that users remember command exists.
Requires an account and the ability to create a file on Unix.
Requires Dean read e-mail.

5) Printer in Deans office for suggestions.
Pro – Hard copy made of suggestions.
Draws attention to itself, increasing the likelyhood suggestions
may be looked at.
Con – Printer must be on.
Queue not anonymous during printing.
Temptation to send the Kama Sutra may be too great for some.

6) Suggestion posted anonymously to public news group.
Pro – Keeps people aware suggestion service exits.
Suggestions more likely to be dealt with in some manner.
Others can comment on suggestion along with the Dean.
Con – Some suggestions too personal to be posted.
Requires Dean read news.

7) Coup detat.
Pro – Eliminates need for anonymity.
Eliminates need for suggestions.
Con – Difficult to automate.

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar and says, Barkeep! Give me a beer!

The bartender replies, Well uh..arent you a piece of string?

The piece of string answers, Yeah!

And the bartender says, Well get out of here! We dont serve your kind!

So the first piece of string walks back towards the door.

The second piece of string says, Hey wait, hold on a minute!

Youre not doing it right, watch this.

He ties himself in a knot and frizzes out the top of his head. He walks up to the bar and says Barkeep! Give me a beer!

The barender said Arent you a piece of string?

The piece of strings replies, Nope, Im afraid not!

Thank you all who contribute to this party pranks series, as i told you, i cant pos all the ideas as i lost a file, but here you have:

get a trasvestite to make strip tease to the guy.
get him to get grabbed by somebody, ie. make a bet, then drop his pants off and give him a beer bath.
get him drunk, take away his wallet, credit cards etc. and put him on a train with only the exact amount of money so he can make a phone call.
get him drunk, when he pases away, put his leg in plaster, when he woke up, tell him that last nigt, he tried to dance in the table, he fell down and broke his leg.
put him an embarrasing temporarily tatoo on his back, so he cant see it until its too late.
when the cake arrives, voila, his wife jumps off the cake!
put a local anesthesic in his condoms.

Also check the part 2