Old and New Jokes

Yo Mama is so dumb that when somebody said it chilly out side she went to get herself a spoon with a bowl!

ya mama so dumb she took a pencil to the NBA Finals

Yo mama is so fat that the only way your dad could get her though the door is by holding a twinky in front of it!!!

your momma is so stupid she sat on her tv and watched her couch

yo mama is like rotten milk, white and chunky

Yo mommas so fat that when she she wears red everyone yells Hey Kool-Aid!

Yo mama is like a hamburger, all full of fat and only worth $1!

Yo mamas so fat when her beeper went off people thought she was backing up!

Yo mamas so fat she can sell shade

Yo mamas so fat they had to baptize her at Sea World

Yo mamas so fat the shadow of her butt weights 50 pounds

Yo Mama is so ugly her isp shut down her internet account when she appeared on webcam.

yo mamma is soooo fat she tried to get to wal mart stumbled over k mart and landed on target.

Yo mama so fat and stupid she thought the VCR was a pager

Ya mama so poor, she had to eat cereal with a fork to save milk.

your mommas sooo fat….. she walked into a bar during happy hour and got a group discount

Yo Mamma is so ugly, that she walked into a haunted house, and left with a job application

Yo mama is so poor,that she goes to KFC…to lick other peoples fingers!!!.

Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to KFC,she orders the bucket thats on the pole!!!!.

Yo mama is so ugly that every dog she has ever had has taken out a restraining order out on her.

Yo Mama is so fat when she went to school she sat next to everyone.

Yo mamma so fat, shes got more rolls than a bakery!

Yo mamas so ugly that her mom had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

Yo mama is so fat she irons her pants on the driveway.

Yo mamas like a door nob, everyone gets a turn.

Yo mama is like a McDonalds, open 24 hours and over 23 billion served.

Yo mama is so fat it takes 2 planes and a bus to get on the her good side.

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. Aaah! he said. Were right over my homeland.How can you tell? asked the American.I can feel the cold air. he replied.A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. Aah were right over my homeland. he said.How do you know that? asked the Russian. I can feel the heat of the desert.Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. Aah, were right over New York.The Russian and the African were amazed. How do you know all of that? they exclaimed.The American pulled his hand up. My watch is missing.

• Cindy Crawford:
  Well … Looks arent everything.

• Yassar Arafat:
  Discrimination? Ill give you discrimination! Israel has over 5 million Jews; we dont have any.

• Madonna:
  I didnt have a bit of trouble with the singing in the movie, but they did have to dub in most of the acting.

• Mayor Smoke (Baltimore):
  There are so many muggers around that you cant walk 5 blocks without leaving the scene of a crime.

• William Clinton:
  Any President who lies to the American people should resign. (Oh wait! He did say that – never mind)

• Steven Spielberg:
  I just finished my new horror film. Its so bloody, its sure to get a Type A rating.

• Kenneth Starr:
  I only look at the newspapers every other day. That way, I dont have to read any of the denials.

• Boris Yeltsin:
  I never worry about waking up to a revolution. If I wake up, theres no revolution.

• Sharon Stone:
  Todays movies are not only bigger than life, theyre dirtier than life too.

• Clintons Lawyers:
  Most politicians dont believe a word of what they say. Were amazed that yall do.

Did you know that over 20% of the Chinese population have cataracts?

The other 80% drive Rincolns.

Why Dogs dont surf the web…

Cant stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

Too difficult to mark every website they visit.

Cant help attacking the screen when they hear Youve Got Mail.

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway theyre browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

Cause dogs aint GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, its *their* light bulb.

Un niño muy pobre soñaba con tener una prenda de vestir, y para la navidad le escribe una carta al viejo pascuero pidiéndole su regalo.

Como su casa quedaba al otro lado de la línea del tren, la noche de Navidad pasa el viejito por encima de su casa y por mal cálculo lanza el regalo al otro lado de la línea del tren; el niño al ver pasar al viejo corre tras su regalo, en el momento que cruza la linea pasa el tren y le corta sus dos piernas.

Con el entusiasmo que tenía el niño por el regalo, lo coge y lo abre… ¡Eran un par de zapatos!

Un borrachito llega a una cantina y le dice al cantinero golpeando la barra, ¡Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para usted y uno para todos los demás!

Entonces el cantinero y las demás personas lo ovacionan, ¡bravo, viva!, y así se la pasa pidiendo tequilas para todos. Al tomarse el último tequila, da las gracias y camina a la salida, pero el cantinero le exige el pago de todos los tequilas.

El borrachito dice que no tiene dinero, y el cantinero lo comienza a golpear sin misericordia y lo echa fuera de la cantina con una patada en el trasero.

Al siguiente día llega el mismo borrachito, todo madreado, y comienza a golpear la barra y gritando dice, ¡Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para todos y ni madres para usted, porque luego se pone como loco cabrón!

Una señora va a sacar el pasaporte. El funcionario en turno le pregunta:

¿Cuantos hijos tiene, señora?

Diez.

¿Cómo se llaman?

Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo,Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo y Bernardo.

¿Todos se llaman Bernardo? ¿Y cómo le hace para llamarlos cuando, por ejemplo, están jugando todos afuera?

Muy simple, grito Bernardo y todos entran.

¿Y si quiere que vayan a comer?

Igual. Grito Bernardo y todos se sientan a comer.

Pero si usted quiere hablar con uno en particular, ¿cómo le hace?

!Ah! En ese caso, lo llamo por su apellido.

To men named Jon and Brian lived in Arizona. They both liked to drink. So, one day they were at work ( Airplane Machanics) and it was a rainy day. There was nothing to do so Jon said, I wish we had something to drink. Brian told Jon that he had heard of somebody drinking Airplane Fuel and getting a real buzz. So they tried the Jet juice. The next morning, they both woke up feeling great, no hangover or anything. Then Jon phoned Brian.



Jon said, How do you feel?



Brian said, Great no hangover or anything, we should try it more often



Jon said, Yeah, well, have you tried farting.



Brian said No Why?



Jon said Dont Im in Pheonix!