Old and New Jokes

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid? –Someone who worships the tree that is not there.What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician? –Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not thereWhat do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veterinarian? –Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

If Oracle made toasters… Theyd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home youd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If the Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Fisher Price made toasters… Babys First Toaster would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box. If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldnt have to take the toaster, but youd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster 02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

How many Harvard girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Its Radcliffe. Its women. And its not funny!

Many of us have been there. Something just doesnt click with the new boss. Or maybe were just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, weve got to calculate the odds of being canned. Take this quiz and find out you chances of survival in the job world.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk. You…

A) swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

B) inform him that youre planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until youve finished the level.
Theres a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone whos been working with you.

B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

C) Barge into your bosss office and demand reassignment so that you, Wont have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughing-stock.
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A) Stay home and watch I Love Lucy reruns.

B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

C) Go over to your bosss house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A) Listen politely, and then apologize.

B) Blame someone else.

C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which youve written the word union.
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…

A) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

B) Key it … then tell the CEOs secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

C) Key it … then proudly tell the CEOs secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kids fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-workers into doing it while pretending to be you.

C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
Your boss gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react?

A) Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the bosss daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to the movie by herself.

B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up.

C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean. You…

A) clean the office while he supervises.

B) tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

C) clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss face.

— SCORING —

Mostly As: You have nothing to worry about. Theyll never fire you because youre a doormat.
Mostly Bs: Youre not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, youll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! Youre a real jerk.
Mostly Cs: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but hes terrified of what you might do.

Thanx to William Conway.

A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.

The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher.

They step out of their cars, and begin talking. Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault, says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.

You know, I never understood why catholic preachers dont drink wine to represent Christs blood. The catholic preacher responds, Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead. I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, lets drink a little right now while waiting for the cops.

Oh, no I couldnt, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees.

The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. That wasnt that bad, youre right, the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasnt drank his wine, he asks, Arent you going to have some?

Oh sure, the other replies, Ill wait until after the cops come though.

You might be a redneck if…
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Q: Whats black and white and red all over?

A: A freshly whipped nun.

A recent Scotish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bastard, r-run will ya!

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-run will ya! The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-run! All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, He doesnt have to run, hes got four balls.

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man!

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.