Old and New Jokes

this lady walks in the dentist and said is this gonna hurt and the dentist said no its just a screw.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
Enough of the serious stuff. Its a new month and time for Weird Business News – a look at the antics of Homo Businessperson in search of a buck.

Cheers to toy maker Mattel for its new doll, Barbie Loves Frankie Sinatra. We needed Barbie in a metallic dress drinking martinis and smoking.

And thanks to reader Stan Daley who reports the sprinkler he just bought had a sticker on the bottom stating that its for outdoor use only. Dang, I wanted to use it in the living room on my wifes potted plants, he said.

Our At Least the Boss Doesnt Need a Costume Award to the National Retail Federation survey that found 39.1 percent of American workers say they have considered dressing up for Halloween at work.

The Why Remind the Investors What Might Happen Award to Poore Brothers of Goodyear, Ariz., which announced it is dropping its NASDAQ stock symbol POOR in favor of SNAK.

Best Internet Site Name: IveBeenGood.com, an online merchant. Proposed Internet site: IveBeenBad.com for those looking for a good spanking.

The Readability Award to Burlington Resources for the notice of its stockholder meeting set for Nov. 18. On pages B-21 and B-22 theres one sentence that is so long that it cant be repeated here, since it would fill the entire column. Or maybe that should be the Mama, Dont Let Your Lawyers Grow Up To Be Writers Award.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

An Amish Drive-by

(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I
tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella
her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna
to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma
bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a
knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I
tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock
on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she calla me
sonna ma bitch.

So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the
manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you
no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed,
you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you. I say piss on
you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I gonna back to Italy.

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

Im sorry. = Youll be sorry.

We need… = I want

Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want… = You�ll pay for this later.

We need to talk… = I need to complain.

Sure…go ahead = I dont want you to.

Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron!

Youre so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Youre certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = …and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like.

Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me Im beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, youre dead.

Was that the baby? = Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Im not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to Whats wrong?: The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = Its just that youre such an idiot!

What is the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps.

The guy says Well, Ive suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!

Wow, that must have been hard! the bartender says What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?

The guy at the bar replies Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!