Old and New Jokes

Dos chicas se encuentran tomando una copa en un bar, cuando un sujeto entra por la puerta. Una de ellas mira a la otra y comenta:

Con ese tipo que acaba de entrar me acosté la semana pasada y… ¡Pedazo de noche, no te lo puedes imaginar!

¡Preséntamelo, que yo también quiero probar!, le dice la amiga.

Y así fue, se lo presentó y poco después se fueron a un hotel. Ya en la habitación, ella se desnuda y se mete en la cama, mientras él se va hacia el servicio. Cuando éste sale, ella se emociona pensando:

Por fin, ya vamos a empezar.

Pero él se pone a hacer pesas durante media hora. Cuando por fin acaba, la mujer suspira:

Por fin acabo el precalentamiento.

Entonces, el fulano coge siete preservativos y se los pone juntos.

Pues si que es precavido, piensa la joven.

Cuando el personaje termina de ponerse los preservativos, coge dos trocitos de algodón y se los mete en la nariz. Entonces, enfadada, la muchacha le reclama:

Me parece muy bien que hagas precalentamiento, me parece muy bien que seas precavido y te pongas siete preservativos pero… ¡¿Para que coño te pones el algodón en la nariz!?

Mira, nena, no hay cosa que más me reviente que el olor a goma quemada.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Darius!
Darius who?
Darius a lot I have to tell you!

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, This is crock of shit, and it stinks.
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful..
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says Well maam, I cant cut your hair with those head-phones on. Youre going to have to take them off.

She shakes her head vigorously and replies No, if I take them off, I will die. He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.

All he heard was Breathe in, breathe out, breath in.

One of Microsoft Networks finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…

Its leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!

Q: Why didnt the monster make the football team?

A: Because he threw like a ghoul!

I thought I would tell you about the closest Ive ever come to
strangling my husband.

We had only been engaged for a few weeks. We were walking into a
convenience store when out came this blonde bombshell – bikini top, tiny
shorts, absolutely gorgeous. As she jiggled past us, he took my hand. My
heart swelled with pride and love – even when he sees someone like that,
he still thinks of me.

Then he leaned over and whispered, Youd let me sleep with her, wouldnt
you?

Big mistake.

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the

evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at

it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window,

takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side,

jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the

performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When

finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a

deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps

back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During

the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a

deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed…and finds four

Chinese men.

Theyve got that comfortable place on their shoulder thats perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.

Theyre at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.

Theyre enthusiastic about our bodies, even when were not.

Theyre beyond enthusiastic about sex.

They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.

Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.

Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.

Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.

Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.

The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer.

How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it.

What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.

They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.

They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.

They dont mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.

Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money – ours as well as theirs.

Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills – jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.

They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.

They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size.

How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie.

How sexy their butts look in jeans.

How sexy their hands look holding ours.

Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out

Their ignorance is usually amusing

They have a great sense of competition

They can make great sex partners

They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet I love you Princess is added)

Though they often try to hide it, theyre very tenderhearted and caring

They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we dont want them to

They dont care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be

They can be taught

They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.