Old and New Jokes

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.



Well, answered the Priest, Thats no a sin.



But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.



I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.



Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.



What is it son.



Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Valencia!
Valencia who?
Valenicia dollar, will you pay it back?

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

Calkins Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. Awww, look at the dead birdie, she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, Where? Where?

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A1:
10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three. . . one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

A3: Two. . . one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?

SPARKY!!!

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, No… the bees never touched me – but doesnt that calf have a mother!?!

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, I bet you I can push my fathers outhouse into the river. She didnt agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was never tell a lie. After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, Son, did you push my outhouse into the river? Johnny said, Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did. His dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnnys rear end. After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked his father,Dad, why did you whoop me? I didnt lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didnt lie about it, and he didnt get a whooping. Johnnys dad looked at him and said, Son, I bet George Washingtons dad wasnt sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?

5 secrets to romantic happiness

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesnt lie.

4. It is important to find a man whos good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet