Old and New Jokes

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, Im getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnt remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think thats bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldnt remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as its always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Whos there?"

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
Open the fucking safe! he yells at the woman behind the
counter.
But were not a real bank, she replies, we dont have
any money, this is a sperm bank.
Dont fucking argue, open the fucking safe or Ill blow
your head off! says the guy with the gun. She obliges and
once shes opened the safe door the guy says, Take out one
of the bottles and drink it.
But its full of sperm! she replies nervously.
Dont argue, just drink it he says. She pries the cap
off and gulps it down.
Take out another one and drink it, too! he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the
guy pulls off the mask and to the womans amazement its
her husband!
There! he says, its not that fucking difficult is
it?!

Pepito encuentra sus papás haciendo el amor.

¿Qué están haciendo?, pregunta intrigado el pequeño.

Estamos jugando 40, responden.

Va al cuarto de la hermana y la encuentra con su novio.

¿Qué están haciendo?

Jugando 21, le responde la hermana.

Después, Pepito se va a su cuarto y cuando se estaba masturbando entran todos.

¿Qué estás haciendo, Pepito?, le preguntan a coro.

Aquí, jugando solitario.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, Whats the matter?



To which the blonde replies… Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.



The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. Why dont you go home for the day… we arent terribly busy just take the day off to relax and

rest.



The blonde very calmly states…No.. Id be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.



The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual… If you need anything just let me know.



Well… a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde…he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!!



He rushes out to her asking, Whats so bad now… are you gonna be okay??



No… exclaims the blonde, I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!

Your mama so dumb someone asked her to trace her roots and she drew on her hair.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moments hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter. An unidentified reader had penned, Good book, wasnt it?

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day hes driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her — but he cant. Later, he sees a kid skating and cant resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, Dont worry. I got him with the door!

Q. Where do the Ku Klux Klan buy there sh-sh-sheets? A. At the k-k-k Mart.

There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?

The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!