Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.



Ive been waiting for you all day, the cop said.



The guy replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.



When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Knock knock.

Whos there?



Anita.



Anita who?



Anita nother 50¢ so I can buy dessert!

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

Montana — At least our cows are sane!

What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were golfing one day. Moses teed off first and hit a wicked slice into the pond. Unflustered, Moses walked down to the pond, raised his staff (er, club) and the waters parted. Moses walked to his ball and chipped it up onto the green.

Jesus was up next and hit the same ugly slice into the pond. But when the ball hit the water, it didnt sink. Jesus walked across the water to the ball, and calmly chipped it up onto the green.

The old man went next, and sure enough he hit the same slice towards the pond. But just before the ball could hit the water a fish leaped up and caught the ball in its mouth. A huge bird swooped out of the sky and caught the fish in its mighty talons. As the bird flew over the green, a lightening bolt flashed out of the sky and hit the bird. The fish dropped from the sky, and landed on the green. The ball popped out of the fishs mouth and rolled into the cup for a hole-in-one.

At this, Jesus turned to the old man and said…

Dad, youre such a show off!

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, Im sorry I cant leave more money in the plate, but my father didnt give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother wont be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need Gods help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I dont think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but its not legal.

That doesnt matter, replied the blonde, if I only can sell the car.

Okay, said the brunette.

Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car.

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, Did you sell your car? No, replied the blonde, why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.

Una secretaria llega a la oficina con un impresionante abrigo de visón.

Asombrada, su compañera le pregunta que de dónde lo ha sacado.

Pues mira, ayer el jefe me invitó a cenar; después me llevó a su casa; abrió un gran armario lleno de maravillosos abrigos y me dijo: escoge el que quieras, y yo escogí éste.

Ya, bueno, pero ¡tú le habrás tenido que hacer algo! ¿no?

Bueno sí, la verdad es que he tenido que sacarle el bajo porque me quedaba un poco corto…

Una tipa entra a un bar. Después de beberse dos cervezas pone veinte pesos en la barra y declara que puede mear más alto que cualquier hombre. Rápidamente dos tipos aceptan la apuesta.

Yo primero, dice la mujer.

Se quita la falda y los panties; se acuesta en el suelo levantando las piernas y empieza a mear haciendo mucha fuerza. El chorro llega como a diez pulgadas de altura del piso.

Esto va a ser como quitarle un dulce a un niño, se mofa uno de los apostadores comenzando a bajarse el zíper del pantalón.

Muy bien, pero recuerden una cosa: sin usar las manos, puntualiza la mujer.