A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
This is $200, she says.
I want one thats more sheer, says he.
This one is $350.
I want it even more sheer than that.
This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.
Ill take it!
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me. His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, This thing is so see-through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he wont know the difference.
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
So, how do you like it? she asks. Her husband then complains, Darn, youd think for $500 theyd iron the dang thing!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gravy!
Gravy who!
Gravy Crockett!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, Im melting, Im melting!
Q: What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?
A: A brain tumor.
You Might Be A College Student:
If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isnt
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on your person
If you havent done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
If you can sleep through your roommates blaring stereo
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
If you get more e-mail than mail……
THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!
Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I cant go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly- but decides shes going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly – but decides she doesnt have time to fix it, so shes going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees clean and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees I am and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who cant even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesnt bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
Things You’d Love to Say at Work!
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be………..?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!……..Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder …….. My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
One day, a man came home from work very anxious to tell his wife something. He tells her that his boss has premoted him to a higher placement in his company, and that his boss invited him and his wife to play golf in a few weeks. The wife replied that she didnt know how to play golf, so her husband signed her up for lessons. So the following week, she went to her first lesson. The insructor explained the way that she was supposed to stand and what position would be best for her. Then he tried to show her how to handle the club, it wasnt working out very well, so he told her to pretend that the club was her husbands manhood. At the end of the lesson the instructor said this, Maam, you did very well for your first lesson, but next week lets try to keep the club out of your mouth.
Debe aferrarse al césped para no despegar de la tierra.
El trabajo interfiere con la bebida.
El médico encuentra rastros de sangre en tu torrente alcohólico.
24 horas en un dÃa, 24 cervezas en la nevera… ¿Coincidencia?
Dos manos y una sola boca… Ése es el problema de la bebida.
Puedes enfocar mejor con un ojo cerrado.
Cada mujer que conoces tiene una hermana gemela.
Acostado en el piso te caes.
Cada dÃa que pasa le cuesta más al vaso encontrar tu boca.
Las decisiones del gobierno comienzan a tener sentido.
Tu único problema con la bebida es no tener un trago en ese momento.
Cada noche que pasa comienzas a encontrar más atractivo al gato de tu vecino.
Te despiertas desnudo en el último asiento de un ómnibus.
Los malditos elefantes rosas te siguen a tu casa.
El güisqui ya no surte efecto.
Te encuentras a bordo de un barco rumbo al Ãfrica y lo último que recuerdas es que estabas tomando unas cervezas en el bar de la cuadra.
¿Por qué todos piensan que tengo un problema con la bebida?
Te despiertas solo en tu cama preguntándote por qué se habrá ido Pamela Anderson.
Conclusión:
El que bebe se emborracha.
El que se emborracha duerme.
El que duerme no peca.
El que no peca va al Cielo.
Y puesto que al cielo vamos… ¡BEBAMOS!