Old and New Jokes

One day 2 leprochans were having an arguement. so they they went to a convent and they rang the doorbell. wen the nun came out one of the leprochans asked her sister, are there any nuns my size here? she replied no little leprochan, there are no nuns here your size he then said oh….well, are there any nuns any where in the world my size? she then repleis no little leprochan, there arent any nuns in the world your size he then thanked her ans she shut the door. the other leprochan started to crack up laughing and said haha u stupid bastard, i told u that u fucked a penguin!.

The gender of computers



An inquisitive researcher, who enjoyed sailing, was aware that ships are addressed as she and her. He often wondered in what gender computers should be addressed.. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.



Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.



The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:



1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.



The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:



1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Paddy and mick go into the woods to go hunting.during the night paddy wakes up and spots sonething in the distance he wakes up mick and says Look mick.

when mick looks over a mans head is hanging out of a crocodiles mouth then paddy says that bastards got a lacoste sleeping bag.

One day a cat died of natural causes and went to heaven. There he met the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat, You have lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable please let me know. The cat thought for a moment and said, Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. The Lord stopped the cat and said, Say no more and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appeared. A few days later six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident and went to heaven. Again there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered, Lord, all of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we dont have to run anymore? Instantly the Lord fitted each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke the cat and asked, How are things for you since coming to heaven? The cat stretched, yawned, and replied, Lord, it is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. Especially those meals on wheels youve been sending by — they are the best!!!

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a
sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to
the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet
him, the minister said, Throwing wide his arms, the father said… at
which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered YOURE
GROUNDED!

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.
Well, answered the Priest, thats no sin.
But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.
I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.
Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.
what is it, son?
Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Q: What do u have when their is a lawyer up to his neck in cement?

A: not enough cement

Q: Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: Ones a gross dirty slimy scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and ones a fish…

WOMEN WITH BIG BREASTS:

can get a taxi on the worst days
have a neat place to carry spare change
have always been the center of the arts
make jogging a spectator sport
can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
have more negotiating power
usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
can always carry a little extra
always float better
know where to look first for lost earrings
rarely lack for a slow dance partner
have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

WOMEN WITH LITTLE BREASTS:

dont cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
always look younger
find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
can always see their toes and shoes
can sleep on their stomachs
have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
know that everything more than a handful is wasted
can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, You will each get one wish. The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was 30 times smarter. The genie made him 30 times smarter. The last man wished he was 60 times smarter. The genie turned him into a woman.

A business man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a
double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks
inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender to prepare another
double martini.

After he finishes the second one, he again peeks inside his shirt
pocket, and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The same pattern is repeated a few rounds; the business man drinks a
double martini on the rocks, peeks inside his shirt pocket, and orders
another one.

Finally, the bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring you martinis all
night long, no problem with that. But you just gotta tell me why you
look inside your shirt pocket every time before you order a refill!

The man replies, Oh, Im just peeking at a photo of my wife. When she
starts to look good, then I know its time for me to go home.