Old and New Jokes

(This is an irish joke with a twist. Told to me by my father-in-law.)

There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.

When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of
taking in this new culture. After hes been walking for a while someone rushes
up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.

The person says to the tourist, What are you, Catholic or Protestant?

The American thinks to himself Great–if I say Im Catholic, this guy is sure
to be Protestant. If I say Im Protestant, hes sure to be Catholic. Either way
Im dead. Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, actually Im Jewish.
This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.

The guy behind him then replies Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland.

After reading Samathas joke I must say she

only told half the story! Mickey went to



divorce court. The judge turned to Mickey and



asked:So you want a divorce because you



think your wife is crazy?



No replied Mickey I didnt say she was



crazy! I said she was fucking Go

Once upon a time, there was a convention for toothbrush salesmen. When it came time to award the prize for the most toothbrushes sold for the past year, everyone was surprised by the salesperson who won. He was a shy, timid, retiring type, not your typical salesman at all.

Everyone was dying to know his secret, so he shared it with them.

I set up a booth, he says, in the mall. I have a stack of plates, a bowl of chips, a bowl of dip, and a bowl full of our toothbrushes.

When people walk by, I say would you like to try some chips? And would you like some dip with that?

No one passes up free food, so of course, I get lots of takers. After trying the dip, they ALWAYS say, This dip tastes like shit! And I say, It is. Would you like to buy a toothbrush???

A proud Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. While there, he meets Aussie farmer and the two start talking. The Aussie shows the Texan his big wheat field and the Texan says, Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large as yours.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

At this point, the conversation had almost ground to a halt when the Texan suddently saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, Hey, what are those?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, Dont you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is, to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord!

My friend replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back, Im in the secret service.

Llega una mujer a un Sex shop a comprar un consolador (vibrador), se encuentra con la encargada de la tienda y le pregunta:

Disculpe señorita ¿vende consoladores?

La encargada de la tienda le responde: Claro que sí, son todos los que están en aquel muro.

La mujer le pregunta: ¿Señorita, qué precio tiene el rojo?

La encargada le contesta: No señorita, los consoladores son los que están del extinguidor hacia la derecha…

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mothers broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didnt want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said The Lord is out there too, dont be afraid. The little boy opened the back door a little and said Lord if youre out there, hand me the broom.

Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

…Took two Alka-Seltzer. Thought I was gonna die.