Old and New Jokes

At a Las Vegas gamblers funeral, the Minister, trying to console the grieving family, said Sams not dead, he only sleeps.

At that, a man jumped up in the back of the funeral parlor and said, I got a thousand at 10 to 1 sez hes dead.

Just a note to say Im living,

That Im not among the dead,

Though Im getting more forgetful

And mixed up in the head.

I got used to my arthritis,

To my dentures Im resigned.

I can manage my bifocals

But gosh, I miss my mind!

For sometimes I cant remember,

When I stand at the foot of the stairs,

If I must go up for something

Or have just come down from there?

And before the fridge so often,

My poor minds filled with doubt.

Have I just put food away

Or have I come to take some out?

So if its my turn to write you

Theres no need for getting sore;

I may think that I have written

And dont want to be a bore.

Just remember that I love you

And wish that you were near.

Now its nearly mail time

So I must say good bye, my dear.

Here I stand beside the mailbox

With a face so very red!

Instead of mailing you my letter,

I have opened it instead!

… Author unknown

If you have more hair than your dog does.

If your dog has more teeth than you have.

If your childs car seat is strapped down in the bed of your pick-up truck.

The only officer that is pursuing you is a game warden then you might be a redneck.

If your tires on your truck set higher than the actual truck..

If you live in a two story trailer.

The plastic deer in your yard is a target, rather than a decoration.

Your front porch collapses, and kills more than 5 dogs.

Your deer rifle is worth more than the pickup truck you carry it in.

You use bread twisters for ornament hooks on your Christmas tree.

You think recycle means to ride your bike again.

Youve spent more money at the good will store than at the supermarket.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vanilla!
Vanilla who?
Vanilla call the doctor?

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

Johnnys dad walks into the bathroom and sees Johnny scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush.

His dad says, “What the hell are you doing!”

Johnny says, Theres no way Im getting a cavity like my sister

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn’t decide which one to marry.

He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure.

She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man.

I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment.

She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit.

Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.

The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

Whats the best pick up line in Arkansas?

Nice Tooth!

My wife came home yesterday and said, Honey, the car wont start, but I know what the problem is.



I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.



I thought for a moment, then said, You know I dont mean this badly, but you dont know the carburetor from the accelerator.



No, theres definitely water in the carburetor she insisted.



OK, Honey, thats fine, Ill just go take a look. Where is it?



In the lake!

Most projects require three hands.