Old and New Jokes

Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.

I often wonder how come John Tesh isnt as popular a singer as some people
think he should be.

Then, I remember its because he sucks.

Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MD

From Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality July, 1991 p. 15

Scrotum Self-Repair

One morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he needed a doctor who took care of mens troubles. The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We X-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didnt leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification.

Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, I hope you dont mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

About 35, was the reply. Im actually 47, the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, Oh you look about 29.

I am actually 47! This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for a few minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. A few minutes later the old lady says, OK, its done. You are 47.

Stunned the man says, That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old lady replies, I was behind you at the McDonalds.

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, Ive been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but ITS DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or Im gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you wont wanna be around to smell it). So, heres my holiday wish list for 1997:

A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. Im sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
A REAL man… maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, Id take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And whats with that earring anyway? If Im gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
Breast reduction surgery. I dont care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just dont cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
A new, more 90s persona. Maybe PMS Barbie, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; Animal Rights Barbie, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or Stop Smoking Barbie, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
No more McDonalds endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.Mattel stock options. Its been 37 years – I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, thats it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I dont think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. Its that simple.

Yours truly — Barbie

RAINY-WWW

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.

This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go to work.

With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area.

She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know.

He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!

Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 get well soon cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down, she says.

Ah says the doc, this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery. How nice , says Liz. Thank you – what a nice thought.

The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations – she is to be trusted.

What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -Im really touched, says Liz.

“But who is the 3rd card from? asks Liz.

Oh, says the doctor, thats from Evander Holyfield — thanking you for his new ears!!!

Q: Whats the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.