A teacher, wanting to do something special for her class, brought in a bag of mixed chocolates. The next day, she called up a boy, blindfolded him, gave him a Herheys Kiss and asked him if he knew what it was.Im not sure. Said the boy.Well, its what your dad wants from your mom in the morning before he leaves for work. Replied the teacher.No! dont eat it! cried a girl in the back, Its a piece of ass!
07
May
06
May
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Olga!
Olga who?
Olga way when Im good and ready!
06
May
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: Cmon in.
Random Access Memory: You cant remember whatcha paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
06
May
Megahertz – When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
06
May
There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward so she stuck a pillow behind him. Then he started to lean to the left so she stuck a pillow to the left of him. Then he leaned to the right and she stuck a pillow to the right of him. Later on that day, his son came to visit him. Dad, why do you have all those pillows around you? Well, the nurses around here wont let me fart!
06
May
El maestro de la escuela advierte que alguien se está robando las manzanas del árbol de su jardÃn. Un dÃa, el profesor le pregunta a Pepito, el cual se sienta siempre al fondo de la clase:
¿Eres tú el que se está robando las manzanas de mi jardÃn?
Lo siento, profesor, pero desde aquà no se escucha nada.
Vamos a ver si es cierto. Yo me siento en tu pupitre y tú te sientas en mi escritorio.
Entonces, Pepito le grita desde el escritorio al maestro:
Maestro, ¿era usted el que vi saliendo del cuarto de mi hermana esta mañana?
Compungido, el profesor le responde:
¡Tienes razón, Pepito, desde aquà atrás no se escucha nada!
06
May
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesnt need any trouble here.
The guy says, You dont understand. Im very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says Prove it.
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. Thats incredible, says the bartender… I would never have believed it!
Yeah, said the guy, I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the mens room? The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesnt return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the mens room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
Oh my god! said the bartender. Did they rob you? Are you hurt?
The guy turns and says: No, Im ok. Im just waiting for a fax.
06
May
Blow your mind – smoke dynamite.
06
May
Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.
06
May
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
Theyre multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
– Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
The internet is a great way to get on the net
– Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and Im just the one to do it.
– A congressional candidate in Texas
source: http://www.comedybreak.com/quotes/index.htm