Old and New Jokes

Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated
and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods
that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other
two are goulash and squid.

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. They found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year. His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, Thats the strangest way I ever heard of for a boy to propose to a girl. But, regardless of how you said it, I accept!

It seems that a golfer came in from the course with contusions about the throat; he could hardly talk. His friends asked him what happened to him out there.

In a very scratchy voice and with much effort he said, Well, when I teed off on the sixteenth hole I sliced the damn thing so bad that it went entirely over the rough and into the cow pasture. So, I climbed the fence to look for my ball, but I couldnt find it in the high grass.

Just then I noticed something white sticking in a cows ass. I lifted up her tail and looked, but it was a Dunlop and I was playing a Spaulding. Suddenly, this lady was climbing the fence – she was looking for her ball too.

So I lifted up the cows tail and pointed and said, Lady, does this look like yours? And she hit me in the throat with a five iron.

I posted this on misc.forsale, and got replies suggesting I send it here:

In article <Jan.5.12.25.54.1990.9604@occlusal.rutgers.edu> hundt@occlusal.rutgers.edu (Thomas M. Hundt) writes:

James D. Haack writes:

a friend of mine just got back from Europe and has some pieces
of the Berlin wall for sale … if you are interested please
write back … I think that he wants $10 each including postage.

Alan McKay:

Seems to me, Berlin Wall pieces are a great investment! Heres
what you do. Buy a chunk for $10. Cut it up into ten smaller
chunks. Sell each one for $10, for a profit of $90.

Heres an idea inspired by recent net/world events:

The Berlin Wall Chain Letter

Simply send a piece of the Berlin Wall (going rate is $10) to the
Dictator at the top of the following list. Then remove him from
the list, and add your self at the bottom. In a few weeks, youll
be receiving thousands of pieces, enough to build a wall around
your own country!

1) Deng Hsiao Ping
2) Manuel Noriega
3) Mohamar Khadafi
4) Daniel Ortega
5) Nicolae Ceausescu

P.S. If any of the above dictators are no longer in power, please remove
them from the list; its getting difficult to keep it up to date lately.

Thats one to sit in and one to throw when the fighting starts.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car. The nurse asks him, Charlie, what are you doing?

Charlie replied, Driving to Chicago! The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how are you doing?

Charlie says, I just got into Chicago.

Great, replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,

Bob, what are you doing?!

Bob says, Im screwing Charlies wife while hes in Chicago!

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.

I didnt know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didnt want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasnt improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldnt take it either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didnt quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Stage 1 – SMART



This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.



Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING



This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.



Stage 3 – RICH



This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesnt matter how much you bet cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.



Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF



You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, youre BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!



Stage 5 – INVISIBLE



This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because youre still SMART you know all the words.