Old and New Jokes

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesnt help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this, but this is not necessary to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball! It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine attendance has never been necessary. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

A young woman is asked out on a date, and accepts. The guy picks her up, and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a romantic interlude, the boy asks, What do you want to do now? I wanna get weighed, she says. Well, OK, he thinks. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for food. What do you want to do now? he asks again. I wanna get weighed, she replies. Hmmm, a little odd but Ill put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune. After a few more games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, What do you want to do now? I wanna get weighed, she says. Damn, thinks the boy, shes just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home. As she walks into the house, her sister asks, Howd your date go? Wousy, says the girl…

Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice President Gore,
and their wives. Being the very important people that they are, St. Peter greets
them personally at the Pearly Gates and informs them that they have been granted
an audience with God. They are lead by St. Peter to a tremendous thrown room.
The Supreme Being, of course, is seated upon the throne.

And who might you be? God asks of the Vice President.

I am Albert Gore Jr., Vice President of the United States of America.

Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. I love your work. Come sit on
my left. And you there, who are you?

Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the United States.

Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult issues. Come sit
on my right. Now, who might you be?

My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and you are sitting on my seat.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!

Mildred turned to her and said,

Oh my goodness! Am I driving?

Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment.

However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.

When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for him.

Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or something to that effect.

Both sides called each other names (as lawyers are wont to do).

Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure; others said that he simply couldnt resist the temptation.

For his decision, in full, was: A NICHE IN TIME SAVES STEIN. (By Isaac Asimov)

The cartoon characters were playing draw poker between the takes of the epic movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Roger was the big winner but Mickey Mouse and Huckleberry Hound were doing well. Goofy, Casper the Ghost and Donald Duck were losing, when Casper picked up the two, three, four, five and seven of hearts.

He was unable to scare any of the other players into folding their hands as all but Casper drew one or two cards. The bidding on the second round was quite animated as the pot grew to the largest to date.

Casper showed his hand and started to take the pot when Roger put down the King, eight, six, five and three of spades to beat him. The moral of the story: THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING BUT THE FLUSH WAS WEAK.

Cierto día, un tipo llega concupiscente a su casa; toma a su mujer por la cintura y, con voz desesperada y cachonda a la vez, le susurra al oído:

Mi amor, estoy muy excitado y te voy a dar hasta por las orejas.

¡No, por las orejas no, por favor, me voy a quedar sorda!

¿Y cuándo te has quedado muda?

Un turista se hallaba recorriendo Nueva York. De repente se mete en un subte y se pasa de estación y cuando se baja se da cuenta de que está en el Bronx. Sale de la estación y en eso se le acercan cinco negros gigantes y adelante de los cinco un negro chiquitito. El tipo piensa

Chau, cagué.

En eso se abre el cielo y sale una voz y le dice al tipo:

Todavía no cagaste, corre para la derecha.

El tipo sale corriendo para la derecha y los negros liderados por el negro chiquitito atrás persiguiéndolo. En eso lo están alcanzando y el tipo piensa:

Chau, cagué.

De nuevo se abre el cielo y la voz le dice

Todavía no cagaste, dobla a la izquierda.

El tipo dobla a la izquierda y se da cuenta que era un callejón sin salida, y piensa:

Chau, cagué.

En eso se abre de nuevo el cielo y la voz le dice:

Todavía no cagaste, ponele una trompada en el medio de la jeta al negro chiquitito.

El tipo toma envión y le mete un arrebato en el medio de la cara al negro chiquitito que le arranca tres dientes, la nariz, le rompe la mandíbula y le deja un ojo en compota. En eso los cinco negros que lo secundaban al chiquitito se ponen como locos, rojos de furia, empiezan a sacar cuchillos, cadenas, revólveres, de todo y empiezan a avanzar acorralando al tipo. Entonces el tipo mira para arriba y pregunta:

¿Y ahora qué?

En eso se abre el cielo y la voz le dice:

Ahora sí, cagaste.

Dont let worry kill you — let the church help.

Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx

How do you start a parade in Mexico?

Roll a couple of pesos down a hill.