Old and New Jokes

A priest noticed that one of the nuns in the convent was getting a little chubby. Is there anything wrong? he asked her.

The nun replied, Its just gas!



As time went by he noticed she was getting very fat indeed.



Are you sure youre ok? he asked again. Yes, she replied. Its just gas!



One day, the priest saw the nun pushing a pram around. He stopped and peered inside. Hmm . . . cute little fart.

What do you get when you cross a black guy with a groundhog?

Six more weeks of basketball.

When the old cowboy walked out of the saloonand went to unhitch his horse, he noticed that the animal s testicles were painted green. Storming back into the bar, the fellow hollered, OK, which one of you son of a bitches painted my horse s balls green?

From the back of the room, a huge man, with arms as big tree trunks, slowly rose from his chair. I did, he rumbled. What are you gonna do about it?

Oh nothing, the old cowboy gulped. I just wanted to tell you that the first coat is dry.

Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer,
and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories.
He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was
his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math
at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day,
he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive
than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done.

Now this classroom was very old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on
to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As
a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and
this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided
to put them to good use.

With enough of a flourish to guarantee the classs attention, he went to the
front of the room, near one edge of the board. Then, clearing his throat,
he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails. He proceeded to
hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really
on the nail, of course). Then he went on to give that days lecture. He told
us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the
lecture. He didnt know if theyd heard a single word hed said, but at least
they looked attentive.

At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near the
blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the back of
the hall. When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the coathook,
and left through the small door–and was followed by the entire class, lining up to
go past the blackboard to see how hed done it.

–John C. George

Mr. Cody was a well-known rector of a protestant church. One day
he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting
in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks
at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he
asks:

Where in Hell have I seen you before?

Cody: I dont know. Which part of Hell are you from?

* We got off the Titanic first.* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.* We never ejaculate prematurely.* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.* We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.* When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll its pathetic.* We dont have to get our strength up between sessions… and its much easier for us to get some in the first place.* We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.* Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous –
guys look like complete idiots in ours.* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.* We can cry and get off speeding fines.* We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers……
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.* Taxis stop for us.* Weve never fancied a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game.* We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommys swallowed the can-opener!

Doctor: Dont panic. Hell be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toasts getting cold!

Yo mama soo sleepy when she go to salon for a haircut but came out with shaved head and arms

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am,
at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over
backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as
best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the
covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

Well, you really tied one on last night, she said. Whered you go?

I worked late, he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.

A couple of beers? Thats a laugh, she replied. You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?

What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?

Well, she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.

There was a blonde in the middle of a wheat field, in a row boat, rowing. When another blonde, stops her car on the side of the road, gets out and starts yelling, You are the type of blonde that gives the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your ass!