Old and New Jokes

Clovis Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.

What do you call an [ethnic] lady having an abortion?

Crimestopper.

What is wrong with Polish snow tires?

They melt.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. Ill help you get the wagon up later."

"Thats mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I dont think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa wont like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Dont be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Two condoms were walking past a Gay bar.

One looks at the other and says…

You wanna go in and get shit faced?

Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour;
Remove babys hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove babys hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove babys hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, PULLOVER!
NO, the blonde yelled back, SCARF!

Q: If youve got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

A: Kermit the Frogs undivided attention.

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying Bach, Bach, Bach…

Yo mama so gross her pillow cries at night.