Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

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El marido se despide de la esposa para ir a trabajar. La esposa, que estaba en el baño, le grita:

¡Amor, necesito dinero!

Con fastidio, el marido le contesta:

Anda a coger.

La esposa, un poco extrañada, le contesta:

¿Y cuánto cobro?

¡De la gaveta, imbécil!, le grita furioso el marido.

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friends door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, Fred, howd that pig get him a wooden leg?



Well Michael, thats a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin, went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!



And the boar tore up his leg?



No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin like he was stuck, woke us up, and fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved em all!



So thats when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?



No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out fore I drownded. Sure did save my life.



And that was when he hurt his leg?



Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too.



OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?



Well, the farmer tells him, Shit, when you have a Pig like THAT, youre not gonna eat all at once!

Q: Why dont statisticians like to model new clothes?
A: Lack of fit.

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

Two [ethnic] people went hunting in the woods and got terribly
lost.
The first [ethnic] said, hey, I know what to do, the international
sign for SOS is three shots in the air.

so he tried it.

They waited, nothing happened. he tried again.

They waited for two hours, extremely hungry tired and
desparate, the two [ethnic] people began to believe their lives were
lost forever. Finally the first [ethnic] person looked at the second
[ethnic] person and said, Well this is our last and only hope left, we
only have three arrows left.

You might be a redneck if…
You list your parole officer as a reference.

Q. If theres H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, whats on the outside?A. K9P