Old and New Jokes

How many blonde jokes are there?



Just one.The others are true.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

143. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

Why do white people go to black peoples yard sales?

To get their stuff back.

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Yo mama so fat she uses salad bowls for contact lenses.

When is a Gnome not a Gnome?

When hes got his head up a Fairys dress hes a Goblin!

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one… a semi-retired minister…Now, now, keep calm, folks he said. Lets all bow our heads and pray.

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray… except one fellow near the back.

Why arent you bowing your head to pray? the minister asked.

Well, I dont know how to pray, replied the passenger.

Well, just do something religious! piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat.

This blond goes in to a salon to get her hair cut. Shes wearing a pair of headphones, and the stylist says that he cant cut her hair with the headphones on.

She replies No, you have to cut around the headphones, I cant take them off.

They argue about this for a few minutes, he finally agrees to cut her hair around the headphones, but he will have to charge her extra. She says, Thats ok, go ahead and cut it.

So he cuts her hair, and although it looks strange because of the headphones, shes happy with it. So a few weeks later she comes in again.

Again she wants her hair cut around the headphones. He says, No way, not
this time, this time Im taking the headphones off.

So he takes off the headphones and throws them on the floor. He starts cutting her hair, and a few minutes later, she falls out of the chair to the floor, dead.

He wonders what in the world is happening, so he picks up the headphones and puts them on.

He hears breathe in… breathe out… breathe in… breathe out…

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, Guys, these are REAL.)

1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life 2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause Im Kissing You Goodbye 4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 5) How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away? 6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know Ive Been A Liar All My Life? 7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral 8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 9) I Dont Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me 11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. 12) I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You 13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow 14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldnt Spell Yuck! 15) I Wouldnt Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause Im Afraid Shed Win 16) Id Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy 17) Im Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life 18) Im The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised 19) Ive Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart 20) Ive Got The Hungries For Your Love And Im Waiting In Your Welfare Line 21) If I Cant Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 22) If Love Were Oil, Id Be A Quart Low 23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, Id Blow It All On You 24) If You Dont Leave Me Alone, Ill Go And Find Someone Else Who Will 25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? 26) Mama Get The Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papas Head) 27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic 28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Dont Love Jesus 29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart 30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 31) Oh, Ive Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You 32) Pardon Me, Ive Got Someone To Kill 33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft 34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart 36) Shes Got Freckles On Her, But Shes Pretty 37) Thank God And Greyhound Shes Gone 38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Cant Stop My Face From Breakin Out 39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart 40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So Ill Think Youre Walking In 41) You Cant Have Your Kate And Edith Too 42) You Cant Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd 43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat 44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life 45) Youre The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

ATTENTION :

All citizens of Arkansas planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to visit Willy Jeff

1. Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed.

2. Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown shoe polish is smoothly applied. Boxes must have tops, but no ropes. When a few miles out of Arkansas, remove overalls and brogans and putt them into your box. Change to Sunday suit, clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks).

3. Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of riders. It looks country to overload a vehicle.

4. Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early. Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times, except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon.

5. En route always buy a full tank of gas. A dollars worth at a time requires too many gas stops.

6. On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or boarding house. If they dont feed, try to locate near an all-nite cafe. Leave soda crackers, Viennas, R.C. Colas and Moon Pies In car or pick-up. First class tourist homes do not take kindly to guests who prepare food in their sleeping rooms.

7. Do not take live chickens or hogs – for some reason people in Virginia think that they have good hams. For the sake of national unity, we dont want to show them up. Besides, their dogs would chase our chickens and our hogs would eat their dogs… just making a hell of a mess.

8. Do not take Sears catalog or corn cobbs with you. Up there the out-houses are always inside and they furnish a rolled paper substitute, but remember to turn the knob on the white bowl as this is a house rule and creates less air pollution problems. Brother Al Gore gets all heated about this pollution and we dont want to set him off.

9. If invited by a county agent, fertilizer manufacturers representative or hog vaccine manufacturers salesman to have a drink in his hotel room, do not spit tobacco juice on the carpeted floor. When asked what you drink, dont say stump juice. Tell them all classy people from Arkansas drink B&B (Bourbon and Branch water).

10. And above all else – dont let any Yankee show you up. Constant screaming of Hes a good ole boy will make it difficult for them to engage you in conversation on their intelligence level. You can also keep up the chant started by Cousin Slick, Its time for change! As you know, we plan a change of underwear on the first of every month. First cousins change with second cousins, but always keep it in the family. Willie has passed a decree, even when divorced you can still be cousins in Arkansas.