Old and New Jokes

A man is in the hospital and he gets a hard on and it is 6 feet in the air. So he hits the button for the nurse. She finally comes in and he tells her there is a fly on the end of his dick and he cant reach it. So she tries and cant reach it. So she finally decides to climb it so she climbs and is almost st the top and she slides all the way down. She tries again and slides back down. Ny now she is getting frustrated and tries again. And she slides back down. She tells the man she will try 1 more time and he says nurse, if you climb your sweet ass up one more time I will shoot that sonovabitch off

Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears – a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasnt so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

Hes in THAT one! cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friends family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.

Why did you do that? exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other!

Exactly, replied the sheriff, would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,

Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said, Sure Kemosabe, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,

Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, I do. What is wrong with him this time?

The cowboy says to him, Nothing much, I just wanted you to know –

you left your Injun running…

Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germanys best comedian?

A: Only the first one can make you smile.

Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini ?

A: About 25000 if youve got a shovel

Q: What is the definition of the European Heaven?

A: British humour, French food, German technology.

A: What is the definition of the European Hell?

A: British food, German humour, French technology.

Q: Why are so many Germans born by C-section?

A: Ever try to get a Squarehead through a round hole?

Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter. Saint Peter said to the first man in line, Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?

The man answered, 180. Saint Peter replied, What were you? A rocket scientist? Yes, sir, the man answered. Okay, go on in, said Saint Peter.

The next man came up to Saint Peter. Peter asked the same question of him. 160, replied the second man. What were you, a brain surgeon? Peter asked the man. Yes, sir. He was allowed in, too.

The third man came forward and was asked the same question. 68, he replied. Well. said Saint Peter. Did you get your deer?

The doctor says to the patient. I have some bad news for you…

The doctor tells the patient that he has AIDS and Altzheimer disease.

The patient seemed very relieved at this news.

When the doctor asked him why he seemed relieved the patient said: At least I dont have AIDS.

You might be a redneck if…
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

A woman with huge breasts
was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun. When he
motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him hed regret it, but he
insisted. Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits
popped into view he began to get incredibly excited. Take your skirt off, he
demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off. So, off came the
skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge pussy, green and slimy
and swarming with bugs. Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the
gun to the ground. Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled
broadly, and commanded, Eat Me.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isnt it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?The witness stared out the window, as though he hadnt hear the question.Isnt it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you!