Old and New Jokes

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said,

Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, Aaaaaahhh!!!

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says hmmm – thats weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn.

Man to God: God, why did you make woman so beautiful?

God to Man: So you would love her.



But God, Man says, why did you make her so dumb?



God replies: So she would love you.

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!

Arizona: But Its A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Aint Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Dont Ski, Dont Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Dont Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Dont Pronounce the S

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: Were Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: Were Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least Were Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… Its Whats For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: Were Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didnt Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?

Washington: Help! Were Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadnt thought about normal tricks.

Well, they said, lets try this out.

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, Heel!

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the mans forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

THE Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You dont have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person youre with doesnt fantasize youre someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it wont last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks youre kinky.

3. Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning. …

and the number one reason trick-or-treating is better than sex ….

1. IF YOU DONT GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

If shes sitting, standing, sleeping, moving, eating, dying, or dead, she is a slut.