A prominent biogeneticist is conducting advanced research on the similarities between primates and humans. After a decade of preparation, he is now ready for his most daring experiment to date: the mating of a human with a gorilla.
Having spent years searching for the proper gorilla, he finally selects a supple simian from the San Diego Zoo. Finding the human partner, however, will be more difficult. First, he designs an extensive and detailed forty-page questionnaire. Next, he places a classified ad in the New York Review of Books: Wanted: Single White male, between 25 and 27 years of age, with a Masters degree, non-smoker, who loves Mozart, animals and long walks on the beach, to impregnate a female gorilla. Stipend: $300.
To his delight, the researcher receives over two hundred letters, and promptly sends a copy of the questionnaire to each of the respondents. Over 90 percent of the questionnaires are returned, but only one applicant fulfills all the requirements.
An interview is arranged, and the applicant arrives to meet with the researcher. They talk for three hours, and the researcher finally says, Im thrilled to have found you. Youre exactly the man Ive been looking for. Are you free to begin on Monday?
Just a minute, says the young man. Youve asked me a lot of questions, but before we go any further, I have a few requirements of my own. First, therell be no kissing on the lips. Second, any offspring from this union must be raised in my own faith. And, finally, could you give me a couple of weeks to scrape up the three hundred bucks?
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.
Uh huh, said the old man.
We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon, said the old woman.
Uh huh, said the old man.
And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon, said the old woman.
Thats right, said the old man, except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, Its too big, its too big!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Listz!
Listz who?
Listz of ingredients!
Un jesuita lleva 20 años conviviendo con una tribu de negros. Un dÃa el jefe de la tribu entra en la cabaña del misionero y le dice:
Padre, explÃqueme usted, cómo en esta tribu de negros ha nacido un niño blanco.
El misionero le hecha cara al asunto y le dice:
Mira, hijo mÃo, esto es un fenomeno de la naturaleza que se llama albinismo: de cada 10,000 niños sale uno completamente blanco que se llama albino. Te lo voy a demostrar. (Salen de la cabaña y el misionero apunta a un rebaño de ovejas).
¿Ves todas aquellas ovejas blancas? Pues fÃjate que hay una negra. Esa es la albina en este caso.
El jefe de la tribu se queda pensativo y le dice:
De acuerdo padre, yo no digo nada y usted tampoco.
Estaba Pepito con unos amigos en la alberca de un hotel cuando de pronto un mariquita que estaba en el trampolÃn a punto de tirarse al agua, comenzó a llamar a uno de los amigos de Pepito que ya estaba en la dentro del agua:
¿Oye tosco, cómo está el agua?
Como ninguno le hizo caso; da unos pasitos para adelante y para atrás y volvió a gritar ¿oye tosco como esta el agua?
Nadie lo miró ni le hizo caso.
Volvió a dar los pasitos para adelante y para atrás y volvió gritar pero mas fuerte: ¿oye tosco como está el agua?
Esta vez Pepito, que ya estaba encabronado con el llamado del mariquita le contesta:
El agua está tan caliente como el miembro de un novio en la noche de bodas.
El marica se vira de espaldas y grita a todo pulmón:
¡Ahhh que bueno, pues de espalda es que voy… fuá!
You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked what you were doing. You said you were moving!
The last words of a chemist:
16. O no, wrong beaker…
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you can take the protection window away…
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to get lost in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
One day, an old Italian couple arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native town, and it wasnt long before the wife got lost. The Italian husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it.
When he got there, a police officer asked for his wifes description.
Whats that? asked the Italian.
Well, you see, a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 511, weighs 140 pounds, and measures 38-25-36. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?
Forget her! exclaimed the Italian. Lets go look for yours!
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said: Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa? Luigi said: Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down. Whata you mean, Luigi? asked Giovanni. Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us and a say: No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car. So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say: No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club acar. So, we go to club car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say: No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car. We go to smokina car and I smoke my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice: Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia! Next time, Im a gonna take a da bus.