Old and New Jokes

The following began life as a Top Ten list of Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler.
it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and
soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly
offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular
nationality (read, the French.) Youll have to excuse the fact that some
of them are rather obscure, but thats what happens when you get a bunch of
political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you…

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler

Land War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy Schickelgruber to boring Hitler
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln
beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi
image
Chose Deutschland Uber Alles over Lets All Be There as party
slogan
Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
Referring to Stalin as that old Georgian fat back
Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
Free beer in munitions plants
Lisp never corrected
Bad toupee
Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
Fell asleep in staff meetings
Chose Italy as ally
Land War in Asia
Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked
remarkably like a bullseye from the air
Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
Never had fireside mass rallies
Told Einstein he had a stupid name
Used SS instead of LAPD
Admired Napoleons strategy
Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid
him constantly
In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a
little country place in Hawaii
Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with
war advice
Major theme in speeches–liebensraum, or living room–widely
misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess pilot licence.
Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
Didnt put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word
got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town
in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
Breast feeding for too long
Passed up Finish tanks for snowshoes offer before invasion of
USSR
Drank too much at Beer Hall Putsch
Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his
own escape.
Forgot to write Dear Joey letter to Stalin before invasion of
Poland
Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous
invasion of Soviet Union
Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberlin in power
Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the fjords
Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined
credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited
for the punchline)
Came off as poor loser when Triumph of the Will failed to win
Oscar for Best Foreign Documentary–You dont like me speech
undermined image.
Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had Prince Albert in
a can
Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much
embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his
concept of the Oberdude
Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying,
The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are
you, a wimp?
Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at
the last second
Failed to encourage tourism
Being born
Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
Alienated Chamberlin at Munich by sticking an Invade me sign on
his back
Kept Colonel Klink in command
Churchill mistakenly thought Deutschland Uber Alles was a veiled
threat
Used same astrologer as the Reagans

Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in a

drive-in movie???

They went to see Closed For the Winter!

The Court of King George III
London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your Declaration of Independence with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the Laws of Nature and Natures God. What are these laws? In what way are they the criteriaon which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. In the same paragraph you refer to the opinions of mankind. Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the opinions of mankind are a matter of opinion. You hold certain truths to be self-evident.Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. You state that Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government…. Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are th

I made this up.

Looking for a girl-friend

Following are some of the requirements.

* Make and Model Human/Woman
* Year 1966 – 1972
* Mileage Low (prefer ~0)
* Engine Three Cylinder (V-1 position)
EFI**
Multi-port Injection
Single fuel intake/double exhaust (all three usable)
Very low noise
Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
A lot of horse power (must feel it)
No exhaust fumes or smoke
* Transmission Manual
Over-drive required
Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
* Clutch Good condition, should be able to handle hard
driving in the city.
* Brakes Front – Disk, Rear – Cylinder (no leaks in the
system and enough fluids)
* Radiator No boiling
Quick warm up and cool down
* Body No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
Color – any (original hood color)
Detailing – as needed but not over-done
Blinking lights-any color (prefer blue)
Weight – Less than 115 lb
Pleasant Grill
Easily Convertible (Remover cover at will)
Comfortable Driver Seat
Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
Slim but adequate tires
Absolutely no rust (must be checked and certified)
Clean inside (should be able to eat off it)
* Cost Less than the Bill of Rights

** EFI = Easy Front Interface

[Ed: A reversed version about men was also submitted, but it was too similar
to this one to warrant inclusion here.]

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, Buddy, Id sure like to be on your side of the river!

Alrght, tell ya whut, Ill shine my flashlight cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light! the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, Haint no way, buddy. I know you think Im a fool! When I get halfway cross, youll turn your flashlight off!

A woman went to her doctor in a panic.

Doctor, you must help me, she sobbed, please put my mind at rest.. Is it possible to become pregnant from anal sex..? The doctor leaned back in his chair and said, You foolish woman – of course it is. Where do you think lawyers come from…?

99 Bottles of Beer song gets stuck in an infinite loop



At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.



Internet Movie Database now lists 1901: A Space Odyssey.



Bob Doles age erroneously listed with only two digits.



Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.



Software engineers point out that since computers think its almost 1900, we technically have to party like its 1899 (which, frankly, doesnt seem like that much fun).



Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the Gatesian Calendar.



Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.



Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.



Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage at McDonalds restaurants.

You wont skid if you stay in a rut.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. Its easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, youd be paranoid too.