Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so dumb, she sits on the television and watches the sofa.

Some see things as they are and ask why?; I dream of things that never were and ask why not? – George Bernard Shaw

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Ive found the secret of happiness –

total disregard of everybody.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

These are all true Groucho Marx anecdotes garnered from The Portable
Curmudgeon compiled by Jon Winokur.

Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation).
Someone recommended a topical cream guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked
later whether it worked, Groucho replied, I came rubbing the stuff on.

A guest on Groucho Marxs You Bet Your Life television show was a
woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. I love my husband, the
woman explained sheepishly.

I love my cigar too, Groucho said, but I take it out once in a
while.

[Ed: Reportedly Apocryphal]

Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution Impossible Words To Say When You Are Drunk: Thanks, but I dont want sex.
No, I dont want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but youre not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer
Im not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. A few minutes later he says, to no one in particular… All lawyers are assholes.

The fellow next to him lit into him. How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes! How have you missed that its just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and youd get slugged. And you should! If you werent such a jerk, Id pour my drink all over you, but youre not worth the cost of my drink.

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. Look, Im really sorry, I didnt mean to offend you, he says, By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?

Lawyer? Im no lawyer, you idiot. Im an asshole!

Bart Simpsons Chalkboard Archive

I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless Im sick.

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr. Death.

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

Coffee is not for kids.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell Shes Dead at roll call.

The principals toupee is not a Frisbee.

I will not call the principal spud head.

Goldfish dont bounce.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing-eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

I will never win an emmy.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

I will not say Springfield just to get applause.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I am not deliciously saucy.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

I will not waste chalk.

I will not skateboard in the halls.

I will not instigate revolution.

I will not draw naked ladies in class.

I did not see Elvis.

I will not call my teacher Hot Cakes.

Garlic gum is not funny.

They are laughing at me, not with me.

I will not yell Fire in a crowded classroom.

I will not encourage others to fly.

I will not fake my way through life.

Tar is not a plaything.

I will not Xerox my butt.

Its potato, not potatoe.

I will not trade pants with others.

I am not a 32 year old woman.

I will not do that thing with my tongue.

I will not drive the principals car.

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.

I will not sell school property.

I will not burp in class.

I will not cut corners.

I will not get very far with this attitude.

I will not belch the National Anthem.

I will not sell land in Florida.

I will not grease the monkey bars.

I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.

I will not do anything bad ever again.

I will not show off.

I will not sleep through my education.

I am not a dentist.

Spitwads are not free speech.

Nobody likes sunburn slappers.

High explosives and school dont mix.

I will not bribe Principal Skinner.

I will not squeak chalk.

I will finish what I sta

Bart Bucks are not legal tender.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.