Old and New Jokes

When all else fails, read the directions.

Youre so stupid, you got locked in a grocery store and starved!!

The turbulence was vicious, and things went from bad to worse when a wing was struck by lightning. One woman in particular lost control. Screaming, she stood up in the front of the
plane. Im too young to die! she wailed. Sobbing, she added, And Im going to die a virgin! Then she yelled, Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN? For a moment there was stunned silence. All the other passengers had forgotten their own peril, and were riveted by the sight of the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a gorgeous man stood up in the rear of the plane. I can make you feel like a woman, he said. Tall, well-built, with long, flowing black hair and jet-black eyes, he started to walk slowly up the aisle. As he did so, he began to unbutton his shirt one button at a time. No one moved. All eyes were on the man as he neared the woman, who by this time was breathing heavily in anticipation as the god-like stranger approached her. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest and back as he reached her. He lifted his arm, holding his shirt, and extended it to the trembling woman. Intense, his gaze never left her eyes, as he whispered, Here, Iron this.

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by GM Research physisists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 asistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic number of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction that it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Adimnistratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occuered in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any detectable level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred. Ill die for you!

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, How many times?

Phrases you just never hear, and their more common counterparts:

 

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