Its morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
19
Jan
19
Jan
Yo mama so fat she farted and made the Grand canyon.
19
Jan
This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks its a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.
So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.
The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. Anything else, he questions. The hippie replies, Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.
Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!
So the barkeep returns to the hippie. That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right? Yeah, the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.
The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.
You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!
19
Jan
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, Where is God?
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is God?
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is God?
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, We are in BIG trouble!
The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIG trouble?
His brother replied, God is missing and they think we did it.
19
Jan
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.
19
Jan
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third timewill cost you $180. Are there any questions?""How much for a season pass?"
19
Jan
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- Having sex in a twin size bed is absurd.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
- You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up.
- Youre the one calling the police because those darn kids next door dont know how to turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You dont know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
- Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
- You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- I just cant drink the way I used to replaces Im never going to drink that much again.
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You dont drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesnt apply to you.
19
Jan
(Told over the holidays by my Lutheran mother-in-law.)
A recently demised fellow was being given a tour of Heaven. St. Peter
explained that Heaven not only had room enough for everybody, there were
rooms for everybody.
He opened the first door, explaining, This is the Catholic room, and
inside the new arrival could see a large group of people kneeling and
saying Hail Mary.
The next room was a noisy one–shouts of Amen! and Hallelujah!
could be heard through the door. The Baptist room, explained Peter.
The third room was silent, filled with contemplative souls.
Presbyterians, Peter said.
When they came to the fourth room, Peter stopped the newcomer. Shh!
he said. Be very quiet. These are the Lutherans, and they dont think
anybody else is here.
19
Jan
You might be a redneck if you pee in the pool… off the highdive!
18
Jan
Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To
20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes Youve Worn Before