Heres a little clarification of corporate lingo.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: Youll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:Ive used Microsoft Office.
IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
IM PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE: Ive changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: Im never at my desk.
IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, Im outta there.
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, Im gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who
cannot.
A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say
that on the average he feels fine.
Ya hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch the rays and became a
tangent?
A topologist is a man who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and a
doughnut?
97.3% of all statistics are made up.
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but he was always
right!
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions!
Q & A
Q. Did you hear about the statistition?
A. Probably…!
Q. Whats yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of choice?
A. Zorns Lemon!
Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
A. Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two
as determined by the right hand rule!
Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A. You cant do that, a mountain climber is a scalar!
Q. Why did the cat fall off the roof?
A. Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)
Q. What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest?
A. A HIGH-POT-IN-USE!
Q. Whats purple and commutes?
A. An abelian grape!
Q. What does a mathematician do when hes constipated?
A. He works it out with a pencil!
Q. Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function,
the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A. Thats the Law of Spline Demand!
Q. Whats nonorientable and lives in the sea?
A. Mobius Dick!
Q. How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to the earlier
riddle.
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 — thats all the sailors I could screw in one night.â€
A woman with 14 children, ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
When did he desert you?, the judge asked.
Thirteen years ago, she replied.
If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?
Well, said the woman, he kept coming back to say he was sorry!
(This is an irish joke with a twist. Told to me by my father-in-law.)
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of
taking in this new culture. After hes been walking for a while someone rushes
up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, What are you, Catholic or Protestant?
The American thinks to himself Great–if I say Im Catholic, this guy is sure
to be Protestant. If I say Im Protestant, hes sure to be Catholic. Either way
Im dead. Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, actually Im Jewish.
This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland.
Once upon a time, there was a convention for toothbrush salesmen. When it came time to award the prize for the most toothbrushes sold for the past year, everyone was surprised by the salesperson who won. He was a shy, timid, retiring type, not your typical salesman at all.
Everyone was dying to know his secret, so he shared it with them.
I set up a booth, he says, in the mall. I have a stack of plates, a bowl of chips, a bowl of dip, and a bowl full of our toothbrushes.
When people walk by, I say would you like to try some chips? And would you like some dip with that?
No one passes up free food, so of course, I get lots of takers. After trying the dip, they ALWAYS say, This dip tastes like shit! And I say, It is. Would you like to buy a toothbrush???
A proud Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. While there, he meets Aussie farmer and the two start talking. The Aussie shows the Texan his big wheat field and the Texan says, Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large as yours.
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.
At this point, the conversation had almost ground to a halt when the Texan suddently saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, Hey, what are those?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, Dont you have any grasshoppers in Texas?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is, to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord!
My friend replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.
Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?
He whispered back, Im in the secret service.
Llega una mujer a un Sex shop a comprar un consolador (vibrador), se encuentra con la encargada de la tienda y le pregunta:
Disculpe señorita ¿vende consoladores?
La encargada de la tienda le responde: Claro que sÃ, son todos los que están en aquel muro.
La mujer le pregunta: ¿Señorita, qué precio tiene el rojo?
La encargada le contesta: No señorita, los consoladores son los que están del extinguidor hacia la derecha…
One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mothers broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.
He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didnt want to go out to get the broom.
His mother smiled and said The Lord is out there too, dont be afraid. The little boy opened the back door a little and said Lord if youre out there, hand me the broom.