Old and New Jokes

From modernhumorist.com

One Hollywood exec said he wouldnt be surprised if the movie rights to the election of the century were already being negotiated. Its got all the ingredients—a mysterious electoral college, weird tabulating procedures, missing ballots, lawsuits—as well as photogenic lead characters.

– Variety

Uncountable

Dir. M. Night Shyamalan

In this supernatural thriller from the creator of The Sixth Sense, an election is not what it seems. Gore (Bruce Willis) is haunted by the memory of losing Palm Beach County by a narrow margin. His son, Al Gore III (Brad Renfro) tells him, I see missing ballots. An election law expert (Samuel L. Jackson) tries to find the truth. Please do not reveal the surprise ending (Gov. Carnahan is dead!).

How the Grinch Stole the Election

Dir. Ron Howard

Ralph Nader (Abe Vigoda) plots to steal away as many votes as possible from the gentle Gores in Goreville (Tennessee). Aided by loyal Cindy Lou-Who (Ani Difranco), Nader-Grinch seeks to confuse the voting populace with his tales of giant corporations and government corruption.

Voter in the Dark

Dir. Lars von Trier

An elderly Florida woman (Bjork) gradually loses her eyesight while casting the deciding Palm Beach vote.

Armageddon 2

Dir. Michael Bay. Prod. Jerry Bruckheimer

Fade in: The terrorist bombing of the USS Cole ($30 million). Cut to: A retirement community in Palm Beach, Florida, which explodes ($25 million). Cut to: Al Gore (Nicolas Cage) and George W. Bush (Ving Rhames) engaged in martial-arts combat atop the U.S. Capitol ($16 million). Fade out to end credits ($11 million).

The Presidential Erection

Writ. Joe Ezterhas

A Miami stripper (Yasmine Bleeth) becomes involved in an erotic triangle with two presidential candidates (David Caruso and Kyle MacLachlan). On the eve of the election, she chooses her allegiance to one, and the other demands a recount.

Untitled Woody Allen Fall 2000 Project

Al Gore (Stanley Tucci), a neurotic presidential candidate, has to take stock of his life when his rival (Sean Penn) wins the election. But a strange fortuneteller (Judy Davis) helps Gore go back in time and teach comical Jewish retirees how to fill out their ballots correctly. Only after Gore falls in love with a beautiful but klutzy ballot designer (Natasha Lyonne) does he find true happiness.

Plan 9 From Palm Beach

Dir. Ed Wood

Aliens, posing as chads, try to take over the democratic process by re-animating the residents of Palm Beach retirement condos. Starring Bela Lugosi as George W. Bush, Tor Johnson as Karl Rove and a piece of aluminum-covered cardboard dangling from a string as Al Gore.

Also in production:

A Few Good Democrats

Dir. Rob Reiner, Prod. Harvey Weinstein

Theres Something About Cheney

Dir. Bobby and Peter Farrelly

Jing Cha Gu Shi (a.k.a. Ballot Attack Fury)

Dir. Jackie Chan

The Infected Boil

Dir. David Cronenberg

The Disputed Hole (a.k.a. The Swinging Chad)

Dir. Phillip Kaufman

This film is rated NC-17.

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. Hows it going?
someone asked.

Not too bad, said Diogenes. I still have my lantern.

Hugh Dunne

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.

But Im not a Giants fan, the little hero replied.

Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. said the reporter and starts again.

Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.

Im not a Jets fan either, the boy said.

I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.

What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

Im a Cowboys fan. the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!

From a recent Time magazine:

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. That will be
one ruble, says the bartender. One ruble! the customer protests,
last week it was only fifty kopeks! Well, replies the bartender,
its fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopeks for the perestroika.
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised
when the bartender gives him back fifty kopeks and says, We are
out of beer.

A man in a nursing home takes up with one of the female patients and works out a deal with her where he gets in bed with her each night and she holds his penis as they fall asleep. After several weeks of this, he dumps her for a new partner.

The scorned woman questions him, Whats she got that I havent got?

The man replies, Parkinsons.

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease, and scream YES! when it finishes.

17. DISK FIGHT!!!

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If youre sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight whenever there is processing time required.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, the bad news is that now that weve caught you, were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says, I take ze sword. the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,Vive la France! and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, a pistol for me, please. The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, God save the queen! and pulls the trigger.

The New Yorker says, gimme the fawkin fork. the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Theres blood gushing out all over, its horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, my God almighty, what are you doing?

The New Yorker says, so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory.



Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, shed tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.



Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.



Who are these from ? she asked the nurse, Theyre very nice but Im a bit confused as to why Ive received them.



Well said the nurse, The first is from the surgeon – the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.



Ahhh, thats really nice said Lucy.



The second is from your husband – hes delighted the operation was such a success that he cant wait to get you home. Apparently itll be the first time hes touched the sides for years and hes very excited!



Brilliant! said Lucy. And the third?



Thats from Eric in the burns unit said the nurse.

He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!

Q: How do you make a blondes eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

How do you know when an [ethnic] girl has her period?

One of her socks is missing.