Old and New Jokes

How many people do you know who have actually READ their entire
insurance policy and are prepared to discuss it intelligently?

-Richard Guindon

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

Have you heard about the new Jewish car?

Not only does it stop on a dime, it picks it up.

A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.

On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.

Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.

The Polak replies, Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, Why dont you just double the recipe? She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call – this time quite frantic.

I just cant do it, wifey weeps. Its impossible.

Now, now, whats the matter?

Well, their recipe calls for two eggs …

So, you use FOUR eggs. Dont you have them?

Yes – then it needs 4 cups of flour.

Well, hubby says rather testily, you will have to use 8 cups of flour – what is the problem?

It isnt the ingredients, wife sobs, it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I cant turn the heat up to 700 degrees!

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care.
Theyd been worn all week
and needed the air.

Raise your mouse in your right hand, put your left hand over your heart and repeat:

I, (state your name), promise to be online at all possible times.

To answer all mail from people I know.

To boldly Surf, Click, Check, Search, Chat, :o), {}, BRB and any others,

LOL, ROTF, like nobody has done before.

I will be pleasant and kind to all AOL members (except the cyber geeks, unless Im really in the mood).

I will remember screen names as I would my own parents names. (Children? Whos got time?)

I am addicted and I vow to complete my quest to find out who the heck General Fault is, and why is he in my damn Computer.

So help me Bill Gates.

Amen

Q: Whats the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?

A: The prostitute thinks, Arent you done yet?

The nympho thinks, Are you done already?

The blonde thinks, Beige… I think Ill paint the ceiling beige.

A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop. Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful women I have ever met.

Thank you very much, replied the women.

The guy quickly follows up, I was wondering if youd sleep with me for a million dollars?

A million dollars! the girl responds. She thinks for a moment and answers, Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars.

How about five bucks, responds the guy. Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do you think I am?

Weve already determined that, he replies. Now we are just haggling over the price.

Down in Arkansas, they say that custom has changed little. Many a man still sleeps with a battle-axe by his side.

(Age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates the finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)

1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant

4. Listens more then he talks

5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times

6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal

9. Remembers anniversaries

10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)

1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK

2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car

3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion

4. Nods head at appropriate times when Im talking

5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length

2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public

3. Doesnt borrow money too often

4. Doesnt nod off to sleep while Im emoting

5. Doesnt re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)

1. Doesnt scare small children

2. Remembers where the bathroom is

3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)

5. Forgets why hes laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers when…

(Age 72)

1. Breathing…..