Old and New Jokes

A friend of Stevie Wonder bought him a cheese grater for Christmas. A few weeks later the chap met up with the star again and asked him what he thought of the present.

Man! replied Stevie.

That was the most violent book Ive ever read!

Pepito se acerca a su padre con las calificaciones de la escuela en la mano:

Aquí están las calificaciones, papá.

El progenitor las revisa y exclama sorprendido:

¡No puede ser, Pepito, son puros cincos! ¡Esto amerita una golpiza!

¡Sí, papá, yo sé donde vive la maestra!

One day after work, the blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza. When it was ready, the waiter asked if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.



Better make it four, she said. Id never be able to eat eight.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.



The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist: Please allow me to help. Im a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if youd just allow me! she told him earnestly.



Ummph, oooh, nnoo, Ill be all right…. Ill be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.



But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.



How does that feel? she asked. It feels great. He replied. But my thumb still hurts like the dickens!.

Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervious I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the
monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to
his office after mass he found the following note on his door.

Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
dont say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the Big T]

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not
say, Eat me.

The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the
Cherry.

The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God

Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

News Flash: Microsoft acquires Electrolux, makes extensive design
revisions. Finally releases a product that doesnt suck.

Surf Nebraska!

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.

So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,Wheres my heart located?

On a woman, its usually located under her left breast, the doctor replied.

The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.