Old and New Jokes

MUM UR SO DUMB IT TAKES U 2HOURS 2 WATCH 60MINUTES

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldnt hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasnt a priest to be found.Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long.Its very simple, said the Priest. There on the wall is a chart … column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is.The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom.The very next person in line entered the booth and began … Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Its been two weeks since my last confession. Last night I let my next door neighbors wife give me a blow job. Thats it, Father.The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldnt find blow job anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found.Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and stammered, Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?Two snickers and a Coke, replied the boy.

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one.



Me first! Me first! says the secretary. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! Shes gone.



In astonishment, Me next! Me next! says the paralegal, I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. Poof! Hes gone.



Youre next, the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

A Jewish salesman was selling a car and saw a jew pass by. He went to the jew and said would you like to by this car it is a special car. It is voice activated when you say barouch hashem the car starts and when you say hashem achad the car stops. The jew did not belive the salesman. The salesman told the jew to test out the car. amazingly when the jew said barouch hash the car started and when he said hashem achad it stopped. The jew was so amazed and bought the car.


The next day the jew was driving along and everything was going great. Suddenly from all the exitment of the car the jew relised that he was headed for an unfinished bridge. cought up in the moment the jew forgot what to say to turn off the car. he didnt know how to stop and thought he would die. He than decided to say the shemah. Right as he was about to fall off he said the word hashem achad. suddenlt the car came to a complete stop. the man couldnt believe what had happened. He couldnt believe he was saved, and so he said barouch hashem…..

Heard on 60 Minutes 31 March: (from a National Party Senator in
Queensland whose name escapes me now)

The definition of recession is when your neighbour loses his job.

The definition of depression is when you lose your job.

The definition of recovery is when Paul Keating loses his job.

According to Computing, quoting (of all things) Ladies Home Journal:

Bill Gates was being treated to a McDonalds by billionaire investor Warren Buffett during a 1995 visit to Beijing.

At the cashiers, the pair scrabbled around and both produced money-off vouchers theyd brought with them.

Bits of information to help you through the day:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

A pigs orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isnt the pig included here?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm…..)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of…?) (Did the govt pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Im sure glad somebody found that out!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. ( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, Im home! What the….)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig… quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm…chocolate…doh!…not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)

An ostrichs eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish dont have any brains. (…and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Whitney!
Whitney who?
Whitney have to say to me!

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

How about some perfume? he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

Thats a bit much, said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

Thats still quite a bit, Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, What I mean, he said, is Id like to see something real cheap.

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Un matrimonio en aniversario de bodas. El esposo llora desconsoladamente.

Pero, ¿qué te pasa querido?

¿Te acuerdas que tu papá nos llevó ante el comisario y él me dijo que si no me casaba me metía quince años preso?

Sí, mi amor.

Bueno, ¡hoy saldría en libertad!