Old and New Jokes

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldnt get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbors garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

Its really quite simple, the old man explained. Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

So, he asked, any luck with your tomatoes?

No, she replied excitedly, but you should see the size of my cucumbers!

Person 1: Knock,Knock
Person 2: Whos there?
Person 1: Cows go.
Person 2: Cows go who?
Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!

She said she didnt believe him, so she called the bar.

Hello, she said, I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?

To which she heard the bartender say, Hey, Clarence, – I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!

An inept golfer once drove his tee shot onto an anthill. After many swings, he demolished the anthill but still had not hit the ball.

At this point, one of the two ants still alive turned to the other and said, If we are going to stay alive, we had better get on the ball!

One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his
friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.

Hey, said the demon, howd you like to make this one a hole in one?

Whats the catch? said the man suspiciously.

It shortens your sex life by five years, replied the demon.

Hmmm . . . okay, said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a
hole in one, just as ordered.

On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. Howd you like to make it
two holes-in-one simultaneously? said the demon. Its only been done five
times in the history of golf.

Whats the payback this time? said the man.

Shortens your sex life by another twenty years. said the demon.

I guess, agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends
were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see him play . . . two
holes-in-one in the same game!

On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again.
Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. Its never been done in
the history of the world! Cmon!

No problem, said the man, agreeing. What do I gotta give up this time?

You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of
your life. said the demon.

Okay! said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one.

And thats how Father Hoolihan got into the Guinness Book of Records!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Datsun!
Datsun who?
Datsun old joke!

Un ventrílocuo, que andaba de gira, estaba actuando cuando, de buenas a primeras, se levantó una persona del público y gritó:

¡Oiga, lleva toda la noche haciendo chistes sobre lo estúpido que somos y ya me colmó la paciencia!

Tranquilícese, son sólo unos chascarrillos, responde el ventrílocuo

¡No le estoy hablando a usted, le hablo al hocicón que está sentado en sus rodillas!

Un tipo, famoso por su tacañería, se dirige a su hijo con la mayor seriedad:

Este reloj perteneció a mi tatarabuelo; de mi tatarabuelo pasó a mi bisabuelo; de mi bisabuelo a mi abuelo; de mi abuelo a mi padre; de mi padre a mí; y ahora quiero que pase a ti. Te lo vendo.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kentucky!
Kentucky who?
Kentucky too well, have a sore throat!

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.