Old and New Jokes

What do u call a black priest?

Holy shit!!

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.

The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

Look, said the customer, I have no arms – would you please hold
the glass up to my mouth?

Sure, said the bartender, and he did.

Now, said the customer, I wonder if youd be so kind as to get
my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.

Certainly. And it was done.

If, said the armless man, youd reach in my right hand pants
pocket, youll find the money for the beer.

The bartender got it.

Youve been very kind, said the customer. Just one thing more.
Where is the mens room?

Out the door, said the bartender, turn left, walk two blocks,
and theres one in a filling station on the corner.

from Rude Jokes
by H. Allen Smith
Fawcett Publications, Inc 1970
pages 15-16

Duke McMullan

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. Hed become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is hed wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting I cant believe it! and Its a miracle and Hes alive!. There were cameras (unlike any hed ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldnt contain his enthusiasm. Is it over? he asked. Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jacks cryogenic receptacle, it hadnt been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

That sounds terrific, said Jack. But Im curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?

Well, said the spokesman. The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL.

Se encuentran Manolo y Venancio después de mucho tiempo sin verse, y comienzan a platicar de lo que había sido su vida:

Oye, Venancio, ¿y qué dices de tu vida personal?

Pues, nada, ¿te acuerdas de la Marijose?

Ah, pero claro, si a esa vieja yo le daba por el culo…

¡Pues es mi esposa!, recrimina el otro.

…Y ahorita le he de dar como por el hombro.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they didnt smell and are silent.



The doctor says I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.



The next week the lady goes back, Doctor, she says, I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly.



Good, the doctor said. Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised
its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. Its all relative.

This is a true story, as my mother is the subject.

For the uninitiated, a colonscopy is a medical procedure, performed by a surgeon, in which the inside of your colon is examined. The patient, mildly sedated, lies on their stomach and the surgeon uses an instrument inserted through the patients rectum to probe the colon.

My uncle being the unfortunate victim of colon cancer, my mother must now have a yearly colonsocopy.

Three years ago, when she went for the first one, she was lying on the table in the operating room, somewhat high from intravenous valium. Her surgeon was a very nice, young, very quiet fellow.

As he appraoched her from the rear, probing instrument in hand, my mother turned her head back around, looked him straight in the eye, and asked, Does your mother know what you do for a living?

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?

A: Debbie … thats cute. What did you name the other one?