Old and New Jokes

From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 31, 1995

Top Ten Signs Youre Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, Is it Halloween already?

9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, Siskel and ___

8. The best term to describe you is super hairy.

7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.

6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.

5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.

4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, Oh God, no.

3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and youre seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

2. Hookers always telling you Not on the first date.

1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.

You might be a redneck if…
if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

Im not making this up. This is almost as good as the
Nintendo Cereal System. Everything after this sentence is
quoted from a coupon offer in the San Francisco Chronicle
of Sunday June 25, 1989 from Kraft foods and referencing a
copyright of Paramount Pictures Corporation.

Get your One-of-a-Kind

Star Trek V (the final frontier)

Kraft Marshmallow Dispenser

Experience the 23rd century with a one-of-a-kind, futuristic
marshmallow dispenser. It holds up to four KRAFT Jet-Puffed
Marshmallows. Its dual action lever opens and dispenses the
marshmallows in a single motion. The dispenser also comes
with a durable plastic fork and spoon, making it ideal for
camping trips. It can be clipped to a belt or almost anything.

The official marshmallow of the Starship U.S.S. Enterprise.(TM)

In Washington DC, and asked Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?
86% said Never again.

Why does it have to be a light bulb?

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Imagine a farm. On the farm there live a chick and a horse. One day the horse gets stuck in a swamp at the bottom of a field so it says:


Help Chick pull me out!


The chick obliges and gets its Harley Davidson to help pull horse out and all is well.


Two weeks later chick gets stuck in the same swamp and shouts for horse to help.


Horse comes to the rescue and straddles the swamp saying Grab on!. Sure enough he pulls chick safely out of the swamp.

And the moral of the story is:


If youre hung like a horse, you dont need a bike to pull chicks!

Alright, Stupid Office Tricks 2004. Let us know your scores. NO CHEATING. CONTACT US with detailed scoring. We will post the highest scores and comments on the main page in a few weeks. Good Luck!

One-Point Gags

——————–

· Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you.

· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out Yahtzee!

· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way.

· Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye.

· Run one lap around the office at top speed.

· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

· Walk sideways to the photocopier.

· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!

· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags

————————-

· Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, Did you get all that, I dont want to have to repeat it.

· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight).

· Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

· Say to your boss, I like your style and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags

———————-

· After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, The reports on your desk, mon. Keep this up for one hour.

· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to go do number two.

· At lunch time get down on your knees and announce As God as my witness, Ill never go hungry again.

· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).

· Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, Ya wanna trade?

· Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, I cant talk about it.

· Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.

· Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

· In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am See how I look in tights.

· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!

· Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:

Do you hear that?

What?

Never mind, its gone now

· Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, not now and walk away.

· Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

· While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

· While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesnt matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

When his wife gave birth to a healthy baby, a proud father went in to work and told everybody that he has a 10Kg healthy son.

After hearing what was going on, the wife tells the father to quit telling everybody that the baby is 10Kg because hes only 4 Kg.

Next day at work, the father comes in and tells everyone that the baby is only 4 Kg.

What do you mean, he was 10 yesterday?

Umm, well that was before he got circumcised.