Q:What do monica lewinsky and a vending machine
have in common
A:they both say insert bill here
04
Jan
03
Jan
Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.
03
Jan
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
03
Jan
El iluso recién casado pregunta a su más que buenÃsima mujer:
Oye, mi reina adorada, ¿aún conservas tu virginidad?
Claro que no, mi amor, ¡pero aquà está el estuchito en que venÃa!
03
Jan
Breve lección tomada del curso Ecuador sin barreras
El Ecuatoriano no se cae: se va de oreja, se va de trompa, se saca la madre, se hace mierda, se saca la chucha.
El Ecuatoriano no vigila: te chekea, te sapea, te lookea o esta de ojo seco.
El Ecuatoriano no se burla: te huevea, te chacharea, te jode, te batracea, o te ve la cara de pendejo.
El Ecuatoriano no se enamora: se encamota, se emperra, se calzonea, se mete o se clava.
El Ecuatoriano no te convence: te hace el mudo, te baila, te engatusa, te entuca, te lambonea o te cepilla.
El Ecuatoriano no enamora o conquista: tira los perros, mete labia o calienta oreja .
El Ecuatoriano no se enoja: se come mierda, se arrecha, se emputa o se cabrea.
El ecuatoriano no tiene amigos: tiene panas, profeshores, compreshores yuntas, socios, ñaños, primos o brothers
El Ecuatoriano no te golpea: te saca la chucha!, te saca la madre!, te saca la puta!, te saca el cebo!… o te lanza a sus panas.
El Ecuatoriano no tiene amantes: Tiene culitos, tiene agarres, tiene vaciles, tiene peladas, o tiene hembras.
El ecuatoriano no hace brindis: el chupa, se pica, se embala y después se empluta o se chuma y hace huevadas.
El ecuatoriano no tiene pareja: el bacila, se amarra, se anda en huevadas o cojudea.
El ecuatoriano no se viste elegante: se encachina, se pone elegance, se turquea, esta pintero o se pone la dominguera.
El ecuatoriano no pregunta si algo anda mal, dice: que te agarró?, que puctas te anda pasando?, que es que andas medio cojudo? O que estás con cara de mudo?
El ecuatoriano no dice no me molestes, dice: Andate a la verga, métete el dedo por el culo, anda a joderle a tu mama o no me jodas o te saco la puta!!!.
El ecuatoriano no te roba: te baja, te chorea, te gana, te patea algo o te deja chiro.
El Ecuatoriano no sale deprisa: sale hecho un pedo, sopla, se embala o va hecho un culo.
El Ecuatoriano no se retira: se la saca, se hace el loco, se marchita, se margina o se baraja o se asoma profeshor.
El Ecuatoriano no dice cosas sin sentido: habla huevadas, habla pendejadas o habla por el culo.
El Ecuatoriano no dice ¡Ay! dice: CHUCHA!, ¡jueputa!, ¡verrrrrga!, tumadre, la puta que te parió o hijo de la valiente puta.
El ecuatoriano no dice adios, dice: topamos, me saco de esta huevada, ahà los vidrios, asomaraste, calabaza o no te perderás, asoma profeshor o chaolin.
El ecuatoriano no se asusta: se pone a parir vacas, monos, sapos, culebras y elefantes o a sudar piedras.
El ecuatoriano no miente: te mete el dedo,te dice huevadas, te fabulea o te cree cojudo.
El ecuatoriano no te insulta: te manda a la verga, te putea, o le cambia de nombre a tu madre.
El Ecuatoriano no besa: mama, cobra, come, mete lengua o chupa muela.
El Ecuatoriano no se acuesta: culea, tira, come rico, forra, socotroquea, te da gato, se abre de patas o se pega un palo.
El Ecuatoriano no vive lejos: vive en la mierda, vive de la verga a la izquierda, vive donde los mosquitos usan repelente o vive en la casa de la pinga, donde vive la Fat…, o donde el frio sale con poncho!!!
03
Jan
Computer Heaven and Hell
In computer heaven the management is from Intel,
the design and construction is done by Apple,
the marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
and Gateway determines the pricing.
In computer hell the management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
the support is from Gateway, and
Intel sets the price.
03
Jan
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, Anthony proposed to me an hour ago. Then why are you so sad? her mother asked. Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a Hell. Her mother replied, Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, well show him how wrong he is.
03
Jan
If I didnt have to work so hard,
Id have more time to be depressed.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
03
Jan
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After putting a number of suitable applicants through the training and testing, the choice was narrowed down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.
The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances they explained. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.
The man looked shocked and said, You cant be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!
Well, says the CIA man, youre definitely not the right man for this job then.
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. I tried to shoot her, I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job.
No, the CIA man replied. You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Now they had only the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said The damn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!
03
Jan
Why do blondes always drink with straws?
Practice.
Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge?
In case he wanted black coffee.
Why shouldnt blondes be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
He heard that the drinks were on the house.
This milkman sees a note on the door of one of his blonde customers. The note asks for 100 quarts of milk. Thinking this a mistake, the milkman rings her doorbell and asks about the 100 quarts. She says, Yes, I need 100 quarts. On the talk show I saw last night they said milk baths are good for the skin. The milkman asks, Do you want it PASTURIZED?. She answers, No…up to my shoulders will be sufficient!